BITTERSWEET

It's been a rough weekend.  It started Friday night when I got my mail.  There was a letter from Gift of Life.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to open it or not.  So as I sat in my driveway, I took a deep breath and opened the letter.  They had enclosed a letter from a person who had received Brad's gift.  And as I sat in the car reading this person letters, crying like a baby, I was once more back to that horrible day that I lost him.  I don't know how long I sat in the car crying.  But I finally got myself into the house and called my girls.  They where both so happy to hear about this person and had trouble understanding why I was so upset.  I posted it on face book and called a  friend.  They where all so happy for me, but I wasn't.  But two got how I was feeling, my cousin and my wonderful sister.  They both understood that I was reliving the nightmare all over again.   Don't miss understand me.  I'm so happy for this person.  I'm happy that Brad was able to make his life so very much better, that he lives on.  But my scar was ripped open and I have to deal with the pain as if it just happened again.

The girls want to answer the letter.  I need a few days to regroup.  Then we will sit down and send him a reply. 

Brad made a miracle happen, but it hurts so damn bad.

I'M NOT WHAT I SEEM TO BE

I'm in a funk.  I have been very busy and I have let my house go.  I keep thinking that if I could have some time just to stay at home, I could get caught up.  But I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like to be at the house.  When I'm there I just sit and watch TV or read.  It just doesn't seem like home any more, not when I'm all by myself.  So I guess that is why I have let it go.  Now I hate to be there because it's so depressing.  So I have been doing some self analyzing.  And this is what I have come up with.

When I'm away from the house I can pretend everything is alright, that I'm alright.  I'm doing just great.  I have picked myself up and carried on.   BUT when I'm home, I can't pretend any more.  So I think I'm still depressed over the changes in my life.  But I can cover it up when I'm not at home.  So I have painted myself into a corner, sort of speaking.  I know the kids don't like to come over anymore.  They haven't since Brad died.  But it's getting worse.  My oldest hasn't been over since last Christmas and my youngest not since April.  So I guess that is another reason I have let the place go.  But if I was being honest, I have lost interest in it.  There is no one there to appreciate it, so why bother.

But it does bother me.  I don't like living like this and Brad would be so upset with what I have done. Not just with the house but with myself as well.  Some times at night I almost wish it was over, but again, as much as I miss my husband, I'm not ready to leave.  So now I have to find the inter strength to try and fix it.  I'm just not sure where to start or what to do.  I know it will take some time.  Hopeful not forever.  So I took a 1/2 day off yesterday and got started.  Didn't get as much done as I would have liked, but it's a start.  And what I did get done made me feel better.  So I have got a little start on the house, now I have to start doing something for me.  If I keep going as I am, I'm not going to have much of a life.  So it's time to make some changes.

So little sister, don't worry and don't rush right up.  I need to work this through for me, by myself.  I can't keep expecting everyone to help me fix it when I'm not ready to keep it done up.  So if I do the work hopefully I can make myself and Brad proud of me, once again.

Then maybe after the 1st of the year I will try and move back into my bedroom again.

CATCH UP

 I know it's been awhile but you have know idea what it's been like.  Both of my son in laws have been busy and gone due to work.  So I have been working and helping the girls.  The boys are back, but I still don't have alot of time..  Or so it seems. 

Went to my 40th class reunion.  It was so fun to see everyone and play catch up after 40 yrs.  I have kept in touch with a couple of the girls, but to see everyone was great.

At work we just finished the 2cd barn sale of the year.  It was a very big hit.  I don't know how Lisa does it.  She works at it for 6 month, have the sale.  Then  she cleans out the rest and starts over.  Talk about a job.

And all of my grand children are in school this year.  Even my 3 year old is going to pre school.  Where has the time gone.

Well fall is in the air, and winter is coming.  Maybe I will have more time then.