ON MY WAY TO WORK

I have been very tired from all of the holidays so I really hope that explains what happened today.  I was on my way to work when this song by Miley Cyrus "It's the climb" came on the radio.  It's been around for a couple of years, and about 1/2 way though it was just started crying. I got thinking about all the things that we had done and all the things that we didn't get to do.  It's just not right.  Life sure does suck at times.

CHRISTMAS ON 2010

Well the house was some what decorated, the food was ready, the gifts bought and wrapped.  I guess I was as ready as I was going to be.  So on Christmas Eve afternoon the kids and grand kids all showed up.  I have to admit it was fun.  I always enjoy it when the whole family comes together.  I think everyone liked what they got.  I know Richie had his nose buried in his Nintendo ds playing his new game.  I gave Bradley a machine gun nerf gun.  Sorry to say that he let his dad and uncle use it.  Never I repeat NEVER stand with your back to your son in laws.  I will get even that I promise.

Christmas day I first went to Amanda's house and had a nice visit.  Played with the kids and then I went down to Stephanie's place.  Her in-laws came in from Florida and surprised them.  So we had a nice visit.  It was so good to see them.  But I knew they where coming, it was so much fun.  Christmas is the time for secrets and surprises.  Now we look forward to the New Year. Pictures will fellow.

39th Wedding Anniversary

This past Friday Dec. 17, would have been our 39th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it.  If you add in the year we dated, that would make it 40 years.  So I had 2 melt downs, 1 on Thursday night and the other when I woke up Friday morning.  After that I was OK.  I remember the dating, the planning.  We where going to get married in March.  The last weekend of the month.  Had all the reservations, invitations ordered, cake, etc.  But then my Mom & Step Dad got transferred to North Carolina so all the plans changed.  And I think that was a blessing.  Instead of 200 - 300 people, it was just close friends and family.  I can say we sure did enjoy ourselves.  I was small but just right.  I gave a lot of thought to our honeymoon, and the beginning of our new life.  And oh what a life it was.

But at work, my dear friend came in first thing in the morning, and gave me a gift.  I was a nerf gun, and I started laughing.  I had been wanting a small one for the office.  So the games began.  The first one that got it was the boss.  He took it away from me and started firing back.  Then Linda got fired on.  But the best on was Ron, (our maintenance man)  he jumped about a 1' when I shot at him.  It's hard to be sad when you are laughing so hard.  I had decided to take a 1/2 day off of work.  And just before I left I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  The card said "we love you".  So I thank the girls in the office, and got blanks looks.  Next I asked my boss if he had done it.  Nope.  So it took a while but I found out it was my daughter.  She was so thoughtful.

I still miss him still so very much, but I'm remembering the good times more.

Enough

I mentioned in my last post about the snow storm we started getting on Sunday.  Well today is Tuesday and we are in the 2cd or 3rd day of below zero wind chills.  So the roads are like an ice rink.  They plowed them but couldn't salt because of the wind and cold.  Would have been better if they left the snow on the roads, but what do I know.  All I do know is that 1 - 1 1/2 hrs to work and then home again, (it's about a 25 mile drive) is getting very old.   I like the snow, but not so much the wind.  Either does my dog, he will be 14 in Jan.  I took him out yesterday while I was cleaning off the car.  I left the garage door open in case he wanted to get in out of the wind.  I turned around to head back in, and there on the threshold he had done his duty.  I guess he figured it was to cold outside to do that. My feelings exactly.  Well at least the sun is shining today.

It's been over a month since I have written, so I will try and get caught up.  Thanksgiving was wonderful.  My youngest daughter, Amanda, had her 1st Thanksgiving dinner for all of us.  And I have to say that everything was delicious and perfect.  I love Thanksgiving and just being with family.  We had lots of laughs and played games.  It was the best.

Now I have been getting ready for Christmas.  And I have to be honest, I wasn't in the Christmas spirit.  I did go out and do some shopping the day after Thanksgiving.  But I didn't get much.  I really didn't care if it even came, it just seemed like to much effort.  Well about a week ago I was with my kids, getting some stuff out of my storage unit and I picked up some Christmas stuff.  In it was the little Christmas tree that I got for my dad when we spent the last Christmas at his house.  So when I got home I decided to put that up.  Boy, I can't get over how much that little tree help my mood.  It started to make me get more into the Christmas spirit. (even when Kennedy keeps knocking it on to the floor.)  I wish I had the energy and time to decorate like I use to when my kids where little.  My grand kids have never seen it when I use to put a tree up in every room and all of the other decorations.  But I'm getting there.

I heard that we where going to get this snow storm on Sunday then turning bone chilling cold.  So Saturday morning I got up early and took off to get my Christmas shopping done.  I'm happy to say that I did get it all done and got all my grocery bought.  Came home unloaded the car and then backed it in so I had a straight shot out on Monday.  Happy to say the weather man was right for a change.  We ended up with about 6inch of white stuff.  The bad part is we had rain first so we had ice under the snow.  Sunday I stayed in and did the usual which was cleaning and laundry.  I also moved my living room furniture around and changed my bedding.  Then I headed to the basement.  I'm not sure if you know, but I really need to have my knees replaced, but I have to wait for that, so the stairs are painful to do.  Well 3 trips up and down, dragging the Christmas tree, I got it all upstairs, by myself. ( a very proud moment, if I might add).  I took a break and popped some cookies into the oven, fixed my dinner and sat down to relax.  After dinner I thought well maybe I could put up part of tree.  Well I'm happy to announce that the tree is up and the lights are on it.  Tonight I will decorate it and maybe put some other things up.  Then I have to wrap everything and finish baking.  But I'm getting there.  And with the snow that we got I have to say, It's beginning to look a like Christmas.

NOV. 11, 2010

I started thinking about this day and about this blog and what I would write for the last few days.  And as I sit here, my mind keeps going back to that day 3 yrs. ago.  I know it's been 3 years but in some ways it seems like it just happened.  I have been wondering what I would have done differently if I had know what was waiting for us. 

I had a very bad cold and Brad was taking care of me.  He had made 2 trips to the market to get things that would make me feel better.  I remember sitting in the lazy boy and watching him out in the yard.  He was out looking for his wedding band that he had lost the week before.  When he came in he asked if it would be alright if he made the soup on Sunday because he wasn't feeling well.  We both thought that he might be coming down with my cold.  So we went to bed not knowing that would be the last time.  So if we had known we would have held each other more, talked more and spent time with the kids and not wasted the night sleeping.  But no we just went to bed not knowing.

The  first few hours are so vivid the rest is a blur.  So we went to bed and I was awaken by Brad telling me that he had a the worst pain in his head that he had ever felt.  I got up and gave him some pain meds and went downstairs to let the dogs out.  Still not knowing that in the next 30 mins my life would come to a screeching haul.  So is there anything I could have done differently, probley not.  So I try not to live with the what ifs, but it's so hard not to.  It's so hard to to remember that the last day and night with each other was spent so ordinary.

I can tell you that for the most part I am healing.  I don't cry every day or multiple times a day.  I laugh more and I'm sleeping better.  But I'm still not where I should be or want to be.  And I'm facing the fact I most likely never will be.  But I have found out that I will survive.  And that I will always love him and miss him.  He was my life and my life is not or will ever be the same.  So today marks 3 yrs since Brad has past away.  3 very short and very long years.  He will be remembered forever and never forgotten.  He is still my life.

I'M HAPPY

3 yrs. are approaching fast.  This past Sunday  I was getting ready to do dishes, and it hit me, I'm happy.  I have finally gotten to the point that I'm OK.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I miss Brad like crazy, I'm not happy with my house, I have way to much to do and I will probley never get caught up.  But, I'm happy.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  But losing Brad put a damper on it, but not this year.  I'm even thinking that I might crave a pumpkin or two.  Now where did I put that witch?

Yup, I'm HAPPY.

FAMILY

This past Friday Chrissy my niece from TN along with her parents came up for lunch and shopping.  My girls got to come also so we had a great time.  My girls have not seen Christan and Kaity for over a year.  So we had a lot of catching up to do.  We also spent a couple of hrs. shopping at our barn sale.  This is one of the reasons they came up, besides the wonderful company they had. 

Twice a year, in the spring and fall, the place where I work has a hugh barn sale.  It's stuff that people left or lost, it's like a giant garage sale and you never know what you might find.  WELL she found it all right.  She was having so much fun.  At one point she told her mom (my sister) that they might have to rent a trailer to get everything home.  As it turned out we filled my van and I was taking it as far as my sisters house.  She was so funny.  They left and about 30 min. pasted and I got a phone call.  She forgot something, a black trunk, and could I bring that now.  You really wouldn't believe this barn, it's I would guess about 40' + x 200' + filled with stuff.  Like I said we had fun.

So on Saturday morning bright and early I took off.  When I got to my sisters place I noticed a couple of garage sales.  So my sister and I took off.  Bought a couple of things and headed home.  Chrissy came in we told her about the sales, so off I went with her.  She bought 1 lamp, got home and she said I should have gotten the other one to match.  So while she put Kaity bug down my sister & I went back to the sale.  The ladies running it had a pine library table for 75.00.  Christan fell in love with it but decided that it was just to pricey for her at that time.  Well when we went back for the lamp they said they would take 50.00. So we call Chrissy and asked her if she wanted.  She countered 40.00 and it was no go.  So home we went again.  (I hope you are keeping count on how many trips I have made so far)  When we go  back we where talking about the table and my sister just mentioned that it was from Pottery Barn.  I swear her eyes just about popped out of her head.  She said you didn't tell me that!!!!!!!  We asked if that made a difference and YES it did.  And yes she would pay 50.00 for it, sooooooo back we go again.  At this point the ladies running the sale just started laughing and said that they should adopt us.  Got the table and went back home and all is well (and the count is at 4).  Other then it will probley take 2-3 trips to TN to get everything down to her.  I think I hear road trip coming up.  It was a very good weekend with lots of laughter.  Family is the best!!!!!

SORRY

I'm sorry that I haven't posted this past month. I had to get past Brads Birthday, the anniversary of my dad's death and my bosses failed attempt at surgery to remove his cancer. So it's been a long month and a very depressing month. But I have come though it and I'm feeling better. Actually Brad's birthday wasn't to bad this year. I missed him and had a sad time in the evening, but the day wasn't all that bad, same with my dad. So I guess I'm coming to terms with everything. I find that I'm not crying as much and smiling more.

As to my boss, when they went in to do surgery they found that the cancer has spread more that they had hoped for. So for now they are doing chemo and in hopes that it will shrink the tumors enough so that they MIGHT be able to remove them. Needless to say we are all keeping him in our prayers.

ANNIE

Annie was my daughters cat that she found when she was in third grade.  Doc figured at the time she was 2-3 yrs old.  She was a long hair tortie, she was beautiful.  Annie has lived with us for 16 yrs, so that would make her 18 yrs old.  Last night she left me to go and live with my husband.  I knew yesterday that she was leaving us.  All she did was sleep and she wouldn't even get up to eat.  The strange thing is most of the other cats kind of just disappeared.  It's like they new something was going on.  Only 2 came down and ate dinner and this morning I could not find a single one of them.  I know they are also feeling the lose and will have to make their adjustments of having her gone.  Annie was one of a kind, most defiantly a princess, at least she thought so.  She ruled the house that is for sure.  She was greatly loved and is greatly missed.  But I have to believe that she is now forever young and she is with her baby dog.  Baby our Shepard mix use to chew on Annie, all the time.  Annie just loved it, and it would drive us crazy.  One day when I had taken Annie to the vet, he could not figure out why all the hair around her neck was short when the rest was long.  I had to tell him that Baby loved chewing on her.  All he said as he shook his head was oooohhh.

I love you Annie

Happy Birthday Mason

Yesterday Aug.19, my grandson Mason turned 8 yrs. old. (I kept telling him he was only 5. He would roll his eyes and say GrandMA you know I'm 8.) Yes, I know, I just don't want to admit it. We went out to a pizza place had dinner and the kids all played video games. It was a great evening and he got a lot of great gifts. What I enjoyed most was just watching the kids interact with each other. They range from 11 years old to 2 yrs. And all of the older kids take care of the little ones. It makes my heart melt to watch them. They are so lucky to be this close to each other.

Well back to Mason my wonder boy. He is so into baseball and he is so goooood at it. So he got a lot of baseballs and bats, etc. He had asked for a bucket of baseball. I couldn't find a bucket of them, but I found a bag of them. That gave him a dozen new ones to go with the dozen or more he already has of them. Crazy kid.

His mother, my oldest, keeps wondering where all the time has gone and what has happened to her baby boy. (I have been wondering about that with my own kids.)

ANOTHER FIRST

I did it!!!!!!!!! I know it doesn't sound like much and I don't know why it bothered me so much...But tonight I went to a restaurant and had dinner, BY MYSELF. That is the one thing that I just couldn't bring myself to do. I don't know why, I have gone out and ate by myself during my lunch break, I have gone to the movies by myself, and I have traveled again by myself. But I just couldn't bring myself to go in and sit down and eat by myself. But tonight I did it. I just didn't want fast food and I didn't feel like bring in take out...so I did it. And it wasn't too bad. Yes I was the only single in there tonight, but my server was very pleasant and I also took in a new book to start.

So I have survived another first.

I Hate Cars

I hate cars. Don't get me wrong I love my car, but why can't it be patient when it needs something. Like if I see something that I need or want, I budget for it and plan, save my money and go get it. BUT no, not the car. I noticed that the tires are starting to wear and I had a slow leak in one. Ok, so new tires on the list. I know that I will need them this fall, as like in 1-2 months. So I commence to saving and planning. The slow leak isn't to bad, I just need to add air about once a week. So Monday I get up, get ready for work, go and get into the car and take off. As I pull out of the drive way something is differently wrong, so I pull back in. Said tire isn't low, it's flat. Great, ok so tires are moving up, but I have a couple of bills that I have to pay first. So I fill up the tire and think to myself hold on for 10 days and then the tires. Go to work. Get off work and tire is FLAT again, ok this is getting old. I go back to the barn fill up tire and go home. Next morning, you got it, flat again. Go though the same routine, go to work, co-worker comes in an hour later and tells me that I have a flat. Now this is getting really old. So I guess I will but a tire today and the rest in a couple of weeks. Linda (co-worker) has a friend who has a tire shop. They will bring out the tire and change it for me in the parking lot. Great and it will only be 60.00 for all of it. So I call them and they said yes and what time was I off work. I told them 5 and they would be out before then.
So as I sit there at 5 after 5 I call them and I'm told they are not coming because they made 2 different bolt patterns for my car so I would have to bring it to them.(a phone call would have been nice!) I'm told to put the donut on and bring it in, oh and they are closing in 45 mins. So thanks to my very good friend and family, we put the car in the barn, got a lift home and back to work today. And now my car is having 4 new tires put on it. I HATE CARS.

LAST NIGHT

Last night I sat at my desk and watched a bunny eating grass in the back yard. It was so peaceful and he was so relaxed. I'm so in aw of nature and all she has given. I could say it goes back to my wildlife rehabber days, but in all honesty it started when I was a little girl. My parents always said that I would drag everything home during the day but I would let it go before nightfall. But all of the animals and flowers are just about as perfect as can be. It's time's like this or when I'm in the woods that I'm so taken back by the beauty of it all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER

Thirty Three years ago today I started down the path of motherhood. I can't believe it's been so long ago. It's seems like a blink of the eye. I have enjoyed it so very much. I'm proud to be her mother. I was lucky enough to have two beautiful daughters and I was able to stay home and raise them. I wish everyone could be as lucky as I was.

So here is to you my wonderful daughter, who is a mother of three. Don't blink because before you know it they will be all grown up. I love you

Happy Birthday Morghan

Today is my youngest grand daughters 5th birthday. I can't believe it. She will be starting school this fall. I have a close bond with all my grand children and I think that they are the best there is. But Mo is the only one that I got to deliver. Yes, you read that right, and no it was not planned that way, and no there was no Doctor. Amanda went into labor, went to her Dr. who said it was the early stages to go back home and rest. Well by late afternoon she decided it was time to head into the hospital, so she called me at work and I left to meet them there. After much waiting and walking, they decided it was false labor and sent her home with a sleeping pill to help her relax (ya right). So my husband stopped to get the meds and I took them on home. In the mean time Stephanie dog got lose and killed Madysens pet rabbit, so Brad went over to bury it. Now the fun really starts, it wasn't false labor and she wanted to push NOW!!!!!!!!!!!I call Stephanie and told her to get over here and to send her dad home NOW. So while Brandon was on the phone with 911 getting instruction, I got to be the first one to lay hands on her. The EMT's pulled in as Morghan came into this world. The sight of my baby grand daughters head cradled in my hands is indescribable. It's a moment I will cherish forever.




So much has happened to us in the last five years, some good, some not so good. But this is one memory that I will never forget.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

It's been over a month since I last posted. I had planned on getting you up to date when I got back from my vacation. But a lot has been going on. It's been very stressful so this got put on the back burner. I will give you a quick run down and I hope to go into more details in the next few days.

vacation....florida....fun
boss....cancer...not fun
work ....catching up...why did I go
birthday party....wonderful
sleep....not much

I'm Smiling

After a very rough time of it, the evening turn out wonderful. My girls kept calling and checking on me and tonight we all went out for pizza. Afterwards Amanda and Brandon came back to my house. We got some yard work done, garbage out, and he fixed my washer. YAAAAAAAAAA no more 6 hrs to do a load. We have all been under so much stress and it was coming out all over the place. I guess I was taking it all to heart when it wasn't meant for me. They where just venting and I was holding it all in. I feel so much better, at least for now.

I just got done talking to Step and seeing how everything is going for her. 10 more days and we head to Florida to see Rich. I know she is excited and so are the kids. I'm looking forward to also. Well I'm going to go take my shower and have pleasant dreams.

Why Not Me

It's been a couple of rough day, I have been very depressed and crying at a drop of hat. I feel like I'm in the way with my kids and they seem very impatient with me. Like I'm being blamed for something or everything. Or at least that is the way I'm feeling, like a fifth wheel or something. I have talked to both of them and they have assured me that is not the case, but I can't help how I feel. It just seems like every time I try and help, I get yelled at. I know that they are not necessary yelling at me, just yelling because they are stress at the moments. I guess I'm just taking it to personal right now. All I know is that I'm so tired of doing this alone with no one for me to lean on. I really wish at this moment that it had been me to pass away first instead of Brad

It's been Crazy

I know it's been awhile but it's been crazy around here. Working and trying to help out the kids and keeping up around here. I'm getting ready to go to Florida in 2 weeks. My son in law has been working down there for a couple of weeks now and we are not sure when he will be home so..............road trip time. I'm going with Step and the kids. Florida in the summer...I must be crazy. But while I'm down there I will get to see my nephew and couple of good friends. I can't wait for that, it's been 5 yrs since I last saw my nephew and I sure do miss him.
I had a very busy Memorial Day weekend. Got the yard looking better and some of the weeding done. Rich finished building my new flower box and it's half filled with dirt. I have to get some more, and he got the pond cleaned out and going again.

Brandon is coming down this week and helping me get some more done. I hope he can get my washing machine working better.
This weekend I spent Sat. with Amanda and the kids, then I took the boys to the movies. I was a very relaxed weekend

OH I forgot to tell you about the deal on blackberries we found. Meijers was selling them for .50 a half pint. Needless to say we all bought a lot. Amanda made jam, Step is making pies and I making a crisp and freezing some. They are so good.

The Sun is Out

It's Monday and the sun is out, and before this week is over we will be yelling that it's to hot. I think only in Michigan can you go from frost to heat exhaustion in a day. No kidding, last week low was in the 30's to 40's highs 60-70, now they are forecasting 90. No one is ready for August temps. But what can we do, so lets enjoy the sun for now and pray that our AC works.

I went to my grand kids party on Saturday. Step had all 3 kids birthday party at the roller rink. They had so much fun. Even Rich (who had never roller skated before) put on a pair and gave it a try. He didn't do to bad, no spills or anything. But on the way there, I stopped at a burger place and picked up a cheeseburger. By that night I was so sick, I was in bed or the bathroom most of Sunday. I'm better today, at least I'm at work. So next weekend I hope to get the yard work done that I didn't get done this weekend.

I went to the free clinic on Friday for a check up. I don't get it, the Dr. there this time said my sugar levels where great, but he increased my meds. Then he asked about my BP, I gave him the info and I asked why it would drop every now and then. And again, even at the lowest he said I have great BP, and again he changed it. Then we had words about my arthritis meds. He didn't want me taking any because of my sugar and it could cause kidney damage. After much arguing, he wrote on my chart that he was giving them to me against his better judgement. But he increased the amount. Now can anyone figure that out. Some day I hope to go to just one Dr. I just have to wait until I can get some medical insurance. And I won't saying about what the government is promising. As if I would believe them.

Recital

The recital was great. Madysen was in four different dances. I liked the last one best, she didn't. That one was more ballet and the others where tap & jazz. She continues to amaze me as she grows. She is really getting very good. I'm so proud of her.
Boy I started this one a week ago, but have been so busy I never finished it. So here I go. I do enjoy watching the little ones dance, they are so funny. But I wish that they would cut down on the instructors that dance. I would say that takes up 50% of the recital. I mean we go to watch our kids and grand kids, right?
And speaking of grand kids, I swear that grand daughter of mine can not keep her feet still. I'm willing to bet that she even dances in her sleep. I was walking behind her the other day and sure enough she was dancing all the way down the walk. She makes me tired just watching her. Even standing still her feet are moving. Maybe some lead weights would help.

THE FUNK IS GONE

Well the funk has lifted. Last night after I got home I was on face book, IMing with a dear friend. Well we got to laughing so hard at the plans we are making concerning Lola. And if you don't know Lola you should check out her blog. Where is Lola now, we have so much fun with her. So after a good hour of laughing and then continuing on this morning at work. I can say the funk is gone. Lisa told me she had been in a funk herself. So the funk must have been going around. It's still cloudy and it's suppose rain tonight and the rest of the week. But on the bright side, it's also going to get warmer.

I will let you know how the recital goes tonight.

What happened to Spring?

This has been the craziest weather that I can remember. To go from 70-80's back to rain and only in the 40's. I think someone should think about building a ark. Not sure how to dress. The furnace is back on, and wearing winter clothes again. Only in Michigan can you wear shorts one week, then winter coats the next week.

I'm feeling better, not as blue as I was. If we could get some sun shine that would help. I think it's suppose to be nice this weekend. If so maybe I can get somethings done. I have to doggie sit, but she is a good girl. I can't take her outside while I do yard work. I have no stake out and she might wander away. She will stay with me while watch her. I'm just afraid if I get involved in a project she might wander away and I can't have that. So it might have to be inside projects. And lord knows I have enough of those to keep me busy for years.

Tomorrow is Madysens dance recital, I will let you know how it goes.

JUST SO SO

I'm still in my funk...I'm trying to get out of it. So I will post from my journal today.

4TH Entry

THURSDAY
JULY 17, 2008
I’m feeling about the same, not good and not bad. I have been trying to decide on a headstone for Brad. So many choices, it’s really hard to just pick one. And it’s really hard to believe that I’m doing this at this stage of my life. We where making plans for our future and what we wanted to do when we retired. And just like that it’s gone. One minute your are fine and the next you’re not. But life is supposed to go on, and everyone else seems to but you. I just found out my niece is expecting their first child. I’m so happy for them, but at the same time it’s hard. It just makes you realize whether you like it or not, life will keep going.
This next week we will have some more first. First on Sunday is MoMo’s 3rd birthday and on Wednesday will be Steps birthday. And as we celebrate, we will also be missing a very important person who is supposed to be there. But as I said, life goes on. I will sit back at some time during the day and remember the day that both of these special people came into this world and think of Brad and ……..… such a bittersweet time.

Mothers Day

So what is Mothers Day without a mother. Mine has been gone for 11 yrs. now. I'm not sure where the time has gone. But it has, mom is gone, dad is gone, in laws are gone, husband is gone. Everyone is gone. So why get up and keep going? Yes, I have kids and grand kids, and they both called and wished me a happy mothers day. One is home feeling pretty much the same as I'm feeling and the other one is on a trip with her family. So I sit here at noon in my jammies, trying to decide what to do. I'm thinking about just going back to bed.

When do the tears stop?

Last night we had a family birthday party for Richie. It was so much fun, all of us together. The kids had fun playing and dinner was soooo good. He liked all of his gifts and even got to play outside for awhile. So on my home I was re-playing the evening in my head and smiling. By the time I was halfway home I thought to myself, boy my allergies are real bad tonight, my eyes won't stop running. It was then that I realized I it wasn't my allergies, but I was crying. I had two silent streams running down my face. So why after 2 1/2 yrs does it still hit me as hard as it did then?

3RD Entry from my journal

TUESDAY
JULY 15, 08
I think I’m feeling better today. I sure hope so. Thought that hot tub was fixed, not. Will have to try again. But I have hot water now. So that is a plus, nothing like a hot shower to make you feel better. My knees have been real bad for the last 2 weeks and doesn’t help. And I have been remembering some goofy times about Brad. Right now the sweet and tender ones make me cry so it’s the goofy ones that are making me smile. Like the time he stood me up on a date to go to a party with the guys. Someone threw a bottle and smashed his windshield. Guess who he had to call for a ride home? Or when it was icy and we pulled into the gas station (that he worked at) and he didn’t quite stop in time. Lets just say he lost his job and the owner had to replace the BIG window in front. Or the time Amanda dropped his fishing pole in the water. The time he put a new bathroom vanity in. Got everything connected, turned on the water and it was spraying all over the place. (it didn’t help with me laughing until I was sick) Then there was the time he was trying to make a ice rink for Stephanie and the little girl next door picked up the hose and sprayed him (he never finished the ice rink.) And we will never forget the steering box episode or when his desk was in the living room. How many times did he tip that chair over? Who could forget how many times he fell out of his truck when the gas tank was off. Not to mention when he lost his cool with object, usually the object end up at the curb, but he felt better. Besides I needed a new ironing board. Well I’m still smiling and I hope I will continue to do so after I get home.

May and Richie's Birthday

Happy Birthday to my oldest Grandson.

I can't believe he is 9 today. 9 yrs ago on this day, his grandpa and I was having a estimate on how much a Michigan room would cost. Then we where on the way to the hospital. His sister wasn't to happy when she found out that it was a boy. She had put her order in for a girl, but there are somethings that you have no control over. And I can honestly say I sure she still wishes for a sister instead of a brother not to mention two brothers.

I have been so busy the last two weeks, I think that I have been meeting myself coming and going. At work we had been gearing up for the barn sale then we had for mention sale this past weekend. And it was a success as usual. We made more then we had in Oct. Now the rest will go on Craig's list to be sold. I also made a quick trip to Tennessee to see my niece and her family.

1st the trip. My sister and I took off bright and early on Friday and made good time (for awhile), hit some rain and slow traffic but other wise it was a good trip. Christan and her family have a beautiful home and I so enjoyed myself. She took us to one of her favorite stores, Old Time Pottery, if you ever have a chance go and check this place out. My sister brought now for Kaity Bug a tent with a tunnel, she loved it. I won't mention any names, but someone got stuck in the tunnel. Oh how I wish I had the video of it.
I'm happy to announce that she did get out. But it was funny. And I just loved all my Kaity Bug kisses. I can't wait until the next time, and maybe we can make it a girls weekend with all of us.

Now the second big event was the barn sale, I know what the big deal about that. But when you are filling over 6000 sq. ft. pole barn with items, it is a big deal. It takes about 3 mo of solid work. We are so lucky to have a wonderful lady who does this. Then when all the sorting is done and price, we spend 4 days having a sale. Then the rest goes on to Craig's list or EBay. And let me tell you, I'm not sure how Lisa does all of this, because after the 4 days of selling, I'm whipped. But we do have lots of fun and that makes all the better. I will try and post pictures when we do the next one.

So now I think I'm caught up, at least for now. I'm looking forward to some down time, maybe I can get caught up at the house.

Just a Monday

It was very very cold this morning. We had a freeze warning last night but now it's in the high 50s and the sun is out. I know this week will go by fast and then I'm leaving for a long weekend with my sister. I can't wait. It's been to long. But that will be for a later post. I will concentrate on this past weekend.

As I mentioned before we are getting ready for the big barn sale. I knew my one daughter needed a bed and the other washer & dryer. And we had some of each. So they came out to look. Had a lot to look at and they found some nice deals. They each got what they needed, but sometimes I feel that instead of helping out with getting used ones, I should be buying new ones. And I just can't afford it. It's not anything they expect me to do, but I feel guilty. I know it's just me picking up on their feelings that they wish they could just buy new items.

THE SUN IS SHINING

WOW... I just been reading over some of my thoughts and feelings I wrote the summer after Brad died. I thought I was doing better then I was. I can now see how far I have come and that makes me feel better about myself.

Today is in the 80's and sunny. It's so nice out. You just want to go out and absorb all the warmth.

Not to much going on, just working at getting the barn sale ready. And I'm going on mini road trip with my sister. I can't wait, we are taking some stuff down to my niece. I want to see her and her family, but I'm so looking forward to the trip with my sister. We have so much fun when we take these trips. And I miss not doing them as often as we had in the past. We use to go up north to Traverse City and buy plants (code word for Trillium), do some shopping, visit and just be stupid. Like getting lost, going the wrong way down a one way street(that would be me). But mostly just being with each other. We have a great relationship and I would be lost with out her.

When Brad was dieing all I wanted was my sister. She was in church, and I sent the police to get her,(they went to the wrong church) but she was found. And she was there with me before I knew it. I have to admit I'm so blessed with one of the best and supportive families there is.

Hello

Sorry I didn't get anything posted yesterday. I have been so busy at work. We are gearing up for big barn sale. It's a very huge ware house space that twice a year we hold sales. Unload everything that didn't get auction off in the last 6 mos at both are location. It's lots of fun but lots of work. And at night I'm so tired I just go home and eat and fall into bed. So today I'm going to post one from my journal. I will catch up later.

2cd ENTRY

MONDAY
JULY 14, 2008
I still can’t drag myself out of this depression. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working any more. I was hoping that this weekend would help. But no if anything it made it worse. The only good thing was having to spend time with my kids and grand kids. I always enjoy that. I found out that my hot tub is far worse off then I first thought it was. A whole pipe is split, I still don’t have a house phone or hot water. I feel like I’m becoming a burden on kids because I can’t do many things because of my knees. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate having to depend on everyone for stupid little things. It’s so demeaning and I know that the girls are feeling guilty and that is the last thing I want. They have their own lives to live and shouldn't have to be bothered by all of my problems. My boss just came in and said that I have been looking very tired lately and have I been sleeping. I told him that I think it’s just emotional, and being a man he can’t handle those kinds of things. And to make things worse I started to cry. (I have been doing that a lot lately). His response to that was to think about all the good things I have in my life. I do and they make me feel better, but they can’t take away all of the rest of what I’m feeling and until you walk in my shoes and have felt the loss that I have, you just don’t know. I just want to able to do and take of the everyday things. I’m sorry Brad I do understand your depression better now. I just wish I knew then what I know now.
No matter what my boss says, he has no idea the loneliness that fills my life. Yes, I have wonderful family and friends, but it’s just not the same. When you are having a bad day, all you want to do is go home and have someone there to listen. Or when you are watching TV and something funny happens or sad, again, no one. AND IT’S SO DAMN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!
That is all I can handle for today, must dry the tears again and put on a smile to make everyone else feel better

THE SUN IS SHINING

Today is a better day. I slept last night, in fact I slept to long and had a hard time getting up. But I did and I kept myself busy. Last night Amanda and her family took me out to dinner, it was very nice and I had a very nice visit with them. Then when I got home I had a long phone call from my sister. She was concerned after reading my blog. She understands so then we talked about all the flowers that are coming up.

I didn't do anything special today. Laundry and some laundry for Stephanie. She had to go and pick up the kids this weekend so I was helping her out. I went to the store and cleaned up the house. Made a nice dinner and dessert. I know it doesn't sound like much, but when you are as low as I was yesterday, it helps. I know I use to tell Brad when he got depressed to get moving and he would feel better. But now I know that is easier said then done. But the sunshine is helping and the staying busy has helped. So all and all I'm doing better.

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My family may not want to read this posting. But if you insist, keep in mind this is how I'm feeling. It may not be accurate, but at this minute this is what I"AM feeling. Hopefully it will pass quickly and YES I know how much I depend on you and how much you do for me and are there for me. Now with that said, here we go.

I have hit a new bottom, I couldn't sleep last night. So I woke up at 7 with only 4 hrs of sleep, feeling so very depressed and over whelmed. I have been gone so much for the last 6 or more weeks, so the house is trashed, the yard is trashed and I don't feel like doing any thing. Oh where is the maid when you need one. Oh yeah, that would take money which I don't have. I'm so tired of chasing my tail and feeling like I'm not getting any where or any thing out of it. It's been a crappy week and I don't want to do anything.

I went over to Step's house to put Molly out and just started crying for no reason. And I cried all the way over there. Now I"m back home and I feel the tears coming again... Some how I have to mustard up the energy and clean. God all I want is to go back to bed and cry.

WHERE DID SPRING GO

SNOW!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. We have been in the 60's & 70's, even his 80's a couple of times already. My toad trillium are blooming, Dutchmen Breeches are blooming, Trout Lilly, Virginia Bluebells, Merry Bells, Bleeding heart are all up, even my Lilac's are starting to bud. The Pussy Willows are all done, and now SNOW. I know it won't last it will be in the 60's again by Sunday. But this whole week has been cold rainy and just rotten. I guess it matches my mood. I really don't have much to write about today. So I decided to post the 1st entry in journal. It might give you a peek on how far I have come and how I was feeling 7 months after I lost him.

FRIDAY
JULY 11, 2008
I'm going to try to use this as my way of working though my grief. I don't want anyone to feel bad or guilty. This isn't about you so try and understand, I just need to have some kind of outlet for my feelings. And if I help someone who has the misfortune to be going though what I'm going though that’s a plus.
I lost my husband last fall after 36 years of being together. Quite a blow to the system. Yes it was quite unexpected, but what has come since has also been unexpected. No one can tell you about the roller coaster ride that you have been forced to take (and I never have cared for them myself). You know it will take time and friends and family will be there as much as possible. But what you don't know is how it can blindside you when you are doing reasonably well. And the loneliness at sitting home night after night by yourself. And all of the first as you can well expect. And you can’t go by a certain time frame. You have to do what is comfortable for you. So I have been taking my time but now I’m wondering, how will I know if it’s time to move to the next step.
Before I get into all of that let me tell you a little about myself in case you don't know me. I have always been independent, pretty strong, and confident person. I really thought that I knew myself pretty well. And I always believed that if one of us had to go first it would be best if it was Brad my husband. I was sure he was not strong enough to survive losing me. He was such a homebody and depended on me for everything. (or so I thought) I didn't realize that behind this strong, self assured woman was a man that I leaned on heavily. It wasn't until I lost him that I found out how much I depended on him. He was my everything and gave me more support then I knew or could have guessed. We shared everything from love, to some knock down drag out fights. But now that I look back they where pretty stupid for the most part. But that is life.
You will have to forgive me I will be jumping back and forth, from the past to the present. But that is how my memories are working. I’m here then I’m there. This past week has been very difficult and I don’t know why. But the depression has set in and I’m having trouble getting it to lift this time. I guess that is why I have started this journey.

Julie & Julia

I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a very good movie. But it got me thinking that I started this blog to help work though the adjustment of losing a husband. The changes in my life, and so on. I should be writing almost every day. How am I suppose to show how I manage everyday life if I don't. I almost wish that I didn't let my family & friends know about this, as I feel that I must watch what I write so I don't worry or upset any one. Well I'm going to try to do better and be more honest about my life. I will try and write most days. I was keeping a journal but I stopped and this blog picks up where I left off. Some days I just might post some of my journal entries. I will let you know when I do.

Today was a better day. At least no tragedy happened. Got up went to work, had a good day at work. I work with the best people there is. Truly I do. Two wonderful ladies that are my very good friends and a couple of great guys that would do any thing for us. They might grumble some but they would still do it. I had a surprise visitor today. A old friend that use to work in my vets office. We had a great visit and are planning to get together soon for lunch. After work I cashed by check and scraped together enough money to pay my electric bill. I tried to work a payment plan out with them, but no. Not quite sure about groceries and gas but I have power. Came home had a nice dinner and watched the above movie. So today wasn't so bad. I have all the animals feed and ready for bed. So I think I will turn in for the night.

I WILL MISS YOU BOTH

This has been a very rough week and it's only Wednesday. Yesterday my youngest daughter call and said that their dog Daisy a 8 mo. old Great Dane was having convolutions. She had no way of getting her to the vet. She has only had Daisy since the middle of Feb. She came into the vets weighing 40# and dropped off and left. She has been trying to get some weight on her but she would loss it as soon as she gained it. So I took off and picked her up and took her to my vet who ran a lot of test. Her blood work showed that her liver was bad, and her stomach couldn't absorb any protein. Plus more problems then I care to list. He feels that either it was hereditary or the results of poor breeding (like puppy mill). But she was suffering and he said if and it was a very small IF he could save her it was questionable that she would ever recover and live a normal life. So faced with that the decision was made to ease her suffering and let her go. I went home and was in bed before 9 pm. So that was Tuesday and today was a new day. although I wasn't in the best shape I was up and going to work. I forgot to mention that on Tuesday I left work and my wonderful boss so totally understood.


Back to Wednesday. I was in my car getting ready to leave when my oldest daughter called crying so hard I couldn't hear her. She just kept saying Diesels gone. Now I'm in shock, what do you mean Diesels gone? He slipped his collar and took off. They found him hit by a car. It looks like he was headed to my grandsons friends house. They think that because the kids are gone for the week, that he was missing them. One other time he got lose and he ran to the house the Rich was staying at. And that is where they found him, at the drive into the subdivision that his friend lives in. So that has been my week so far. I have had enough. The loss of these two special dogs is to much right now. ..
Diesel is on the right with his sister Molly on the left. This picture was taken last night just hours before he was killed.

They where loved so very much and will be so very much missed. And I know that Brad is taking good care of them. But it really doesn't help to make us feel better

EASTER

I would like to wish everyone a very happy Easter.

This is the first Easter that I'm truly alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just so different. In the past we have always celebrated either at our house or at my sisters. The whole family thing. It was so much fun. Then since Brad died, one of the girls has done Easter. But this year Step & Rich had to take the kids to meet Granny & Papa. The kids are going to spend a week in Fl.. And Amanda & Brandon are going to his family this year. So today I got up and called both my girls to wish them a happy Easter, went to the store, came home and picked up some trash in the yard. The weather turned out so nice and sunny. Came in and watched a movie. Next I'm going to pick up the house and do laundry. I know it doesn't sound like a very good holiday. But it is. I have had a very long week at work, and I have been very busy after work also. So it's nice to be able to stay home and get caught up, at least some what and relax.

Yesterday I did a very spare of the minute thing. I was at a drive thur to grab something to eat. I was leaving one job to go to another one. (That's another story for another time.) Anyway as I pulled up to pay for my lunch, I told the teller that I wanted to pay for the person behind me. I told her to the that person Happy Easter and if they ever had a chance to do something for another person to please pay it forward. I wonder how that turned out. I know it made me happy to do such a small thing for a stranger, and I hope that I made a difference in a small way for them.

So as we know, times change, families change, and it's OK to change the way we do things. And if I didn't have to go out, I would have stayed in my jammies all day.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Easter and I'm going to go watch another movie.

THE DRIVE HOME

I should have written this on Sunday to give you some in sight on my progress. But I didn't, so I will give you the obviated version. I think when I'm over tired and not feeling well, I feel more sadden over my loss then I do on the average day. Not saying that I don't miss him everyday, because I do. It just hits harder on those days. I had just worked 6 days, was over tired and my knees where killing me. I was out of meds and had to wait to see the DR on Tuesday. So I got nothing done, just sat and thought of Brad. Not productive. Didn't even get dressed. But by Wednesday I was all smiles, felt great, was enjoying the warm temps. The birds where singing and I had happy thoughts of Brad. And as I thought of Brad, I knew I was OK and he was happy that I was doing so good. I love spring, the trees are starting to come back, the flowers are coming up. The world is waking and it's all good. But on my drive home a strange thing happened. As I was approaching our road, I had a fleeting imagine of Brad's face in front of me, and I could actually feel my hand on his face. Keep in mind both of my hands where on the steering wheel at the time. And just as fast as it appeared, it was gone. It didn't scare me, or make me sad. It felt so good and so peaceful. I know he will always be with me. So I turned my radio up, open the sun roof and kept right on going. I love you honey.

SPRING

Well it's spring and March has been a different kind of month. It's been for the most part quite nice. Unusually warm in the 60's. The trees are budding out, flowers are coming out. I have seen Robins, Red Wing Black Birds, and one day this week a Bald Headed Eagle. The wildlife is starting to wake up, my daughter saw a Woodchuck, and I have seen a couple of Muskrats. It seems so early to see the last two. But today mother nature reminded us that things can change a minutes noticed. Yesterday sunny and mid 60's today snowing and only in the low 30's. Yes, we are in Michigan. At least it won't last.

Not as young as I thought

Age has a way of slapping you in the face as a reminder. I went away this past weekend with my daughter and grand daughter. She was in a dance competition. So we loaded up the van Friday night around 7 pm and headed across the state. It was only about a 2 1/2 hr drive but after working all day, rushing home to pack, then driving over to Grand Rapids, I was tired. So we settled in and got ready for bed, we had to be up by 5 AM to be at the competition by 6:30 AM. No that is not a type-o, I am talking like morning, bright and early. This was starting at 7:30 AM. So we got there and she was the 2cd group on, great we can go and get breakfast and grab a nap. WRONG! We had to hang around until the awards at 11:30. Ok, I can do this. So I snoozed a little in the chairs, (well I tried too). Boy,I was sure getting hungry. No breakfast, no snacks. Well I'm not going to starve to death. Finally awards. They did great. Got a High Gold and 4th place. Now we had wait for her to make her way to us when a quick trip to ladies room and out of here. HA! First a lady ask me if I was leaving and could she have my seat. She darn near pushed me out so she could sit down. More later on that. Well the halls where packed and I'm not sure what happened but next thing I know, I'm face down in the hallway. (Almost took out a little dancer with me). Finally got up, bad knee is real bad now. Made it into the ladies room. And took a deep breath. Ok now to fight my back into the hall to meet up with kids. Got there and no kids, ok fight my way back out and I will go into the lobby and text her to let her know where I am at. Ah, found her. Knee is throbbing, stomach is very hungry. So we set out to go and get FOOD. On the way over my daughter told me that the lady who wanted my seat pushed her out of her seat. Stephanie reached over to pick up something that fell and the lady shoved her kid into her seat. Some people are so rude.

Had a wonderful lunch, stopped off and pick up a few things that we forgot. Now back to our room and a nap. WRONG AGAIN, Madysen wanted to go swimming, so Step said she would take her down and I could sleep, 5 mins later my phone started to ring and it was Step, "you should come down and swim, the water is warm and no one is in the pool and could I bring down her suit. So much for the nap. Had a wonderful dip and sat in the hot tub. That will help the knee. We decided to go to the movies. Alice in Wonderland 3D, so we hurry and got there only to find out it was sold out and we had 1 hr 20 min wait for the regular movie 3 hr wait for the 3D. Ok, so we had some ice cream from the cold stone creamery. Finally movie time. Order our popcorn, candy and pop, got into the theater and relaxed. Next thing I know is my daughter said that I'm starting to snore..real LOUD. Did even know that I had fallen asleep. Finished movie and got up to leave to find that the butter had leaked thought the bag, napkins and made a BIG spot on my jeans. Finally we head back to go to bed and start this all over again tomorrow at 4:30. That's right, they are starting 1/2 earlier on Sunday.

We finished up, grabbed lunch and headed home. Got home about 3 PM unloaded the car, said Hi the all the critters, settled down to take nap, you got it. Phone rang it was youngest daughter. Hubby got truck stuck and could I come and get the kids. They where scared and hungry. So off I go, get the kids and head home, almost there and Morghan said, Grandma my belly hurts, I think I'm going to throw up. And she did. Get home, get her cleaned up, started laundry. Amanda comes and gets the kids.

To make this long story short. Had a great weekend, lots of fun. Can hardly walk, was in bed by 9:30 last night. Co worker said that I look very tired. I'm just wondering how long before I feel humane again?

Yes, age has a way of reminding you that you are NOT as young as you think.

Mar. 10, 10

Well today is my 57th birthday. It's a day of mixed blessings and I'm not sure which one has more in it. It's been 11 years since I loss the women who gave me life. The pain is less but it's always there, just like with Brad. I can go down memory lane and not cry all the time. The women that gave me life was a very special person. I just wish that my kids knew that person instead of the one she became because of so many of life's disappointments.

I remember just the three of us and we had so much fun. I think that she really enjoyed us girls. Don't get me wrong, she was a hard parent. She expected 110% of you, she was a very firm parent. There was no foolin her. But for a single working mom of the 60's she was good. I have so many happy memories and they definitely make the blessing basket over flowing. But it's a hard time celebrating my birthday with out her, Let alone knowing that she left us on this day. And of course there is the fact I don't have Brad with me either. No lunch with mom and no dinner with Brad. But not to worry the kids are planning dinner and a small celebration. I just the hope that the ghosts of my loved ones will be there with us.

Mar. 8, 2010

Today is Madysens 11th birthday. I'm not sure when she reached this age. And I find it hard to believe that in two years she will be a teenager. It's not possible. I mean....her mother is only in her twenties and her aunt is in her teens....right. So that means I'm only in my 40's. OK, now that my kids are laughing hysterically at me, I will admit that it was only wishful thinking on my part. But i don't want to grow up or old. If I could just turn the clock back. But I can't. Why can't the body feel as young as the mind does. It can't be that long since I was graduated and got married, or had my kids. I feel like it was yesterday.
But it's not...and my 1st Grand daughter is 11. I remember sitting in the hall with her Granny, we where rocking and listening for that first cry. Couldn't wait to see our 1st. Not knowing that it was not going to be our last and the that each and everyone would be as special as this one. No...I'm sure it was just yesterday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL

Heat

Yahooooo, I'm finally hooked up to natural gas. I'm living like a modern women again. It's been a long winter but I have made it. The oven is turned off and I can do as many loads of laundry or take as many showers and I want. It feels so good.
My son in law got me hooked up this past Sunday. It took him about 1/2 day but it's done and I'm so happy.
Now just have to pay off the electric bill from heating with the stove.

Mar. 3 , 2010

It's hard to believe that my baby girl is 24 today. It seems like yesterday I was on my way to the hospital to have her. It was a Monday morning and I drove myself in and dropped off my oldest daughter at a friends house and meet Brad at the hospital. He didn't think that they would induce me and was going to go back to work. I tried to tell him how upset my Dr was that they didn't keep me when he had sent me over the Thursday before. My feet where so swollen that he had sent me to the hospital and told them to admit me. Well they didn't and sent me home so I was back on Monday. They found out that I was in the early stages of labor so we waited for the OB to get in. Sure enough he came in around 10 and decided to as he put it "lets get this done." So they started the drip and he said that he was going to go and have lunch because they had pecan pie. I looked at him and said that he had better hurry or he wouldn't get to eat it. That was around lunch time. When they called him back I asked if he got the to eat the pie. He said no, I said good. Not quite sure what he was doing but Amanda came into this world at 3:03 PM. Brad was so supportive and loving. He was so happy to have 2 girls. You where such a good baby, so quite hardly cried the first few weeks. A good sleeper for the first 6 - 8 mos. That is when you decided that you had enough of the crib. Quite adventurous and easily entertained yourself. You where a very good child and a very loving child. I'm so proud of her, of all of my family.

Mar. 2, 2010

It's some what sunny today and warmer. I have a horrible cold and feel darn right crappy. Amanda called me in the middle of the night about Bradley (my 2yr old grandson). He has been sick for the past week, running a fever and the works. Well his temp finally came down alright, like reading 95 and he was yellow. So into the hospital she goes with him. After several hours they can't find anything wrong and his temp. finally came back up so home he went. (That was around 8 this morning) By 11 AM his temp is back up to 101 so she called the Dr. and is taking him back at 3:30. This is a crock, they need to find out what is wrong with him and figure out how they are going to treat him. I swear some hospitals and Dr (especially in our county) needs to go back to med school. This is the same hospital and staff that treated my daughter who had tonsillitis by giving her vicodin instead of antibiotics. See what I mean, repeat med school please. They are also a branch of the hospital that sent the same daughter home saying she was having false labor and we delivered her baby 3 hrs. later at home. That is why I don't go to that hospital. I hope she calls soon. I know Brad, calm down, I hear you. It's just not working.

Feb. 28, 2010

It's Sunday and no snow so far. Brandon's birthday was Sat. Amanda's is Wed, Madysens is in a week then mine. The next 10 days are going to be difficult. Not just financial but emotional also. There is always a shadow of ghost hanging around. I swear sometimes when I'm just about to drift off to sleep I can feel him. Yup, it's going to be difficult.

I don't feel to good today. Sore throat, stuff, achy. I think that what ever is going around is trying to pay a visit. Just what I need. I got my water heater on Sat. One step closer to getting hooked up to natural gas..Hopefully next weekend. They took the lp pig out last Friday. It looks so different out the side window. It will make mowing so much easier. Now just pray it doesn't get to cold this week.

The sun just came out. My youngest cat was sitting on the window sill enjoying the sunshine when a squirrel jump off the feeder and scared him. It was comical. I would have laughed instead of just smiling, but I feel that curtain closing in. Think I will just go lay down for a while.

Feb.24, 2010

I didn't have go into work this morning. We are closed because of death in our work family. It's such a sad time, my heart goes out to family. So I have time to play at the computer before I have to go to the funeral.

It's cold this morning and we have a little snow coming in. But I did get my taxes paid. So I get to stay in my house for another year. They had made a big mistake in my taxes like a extra 1700.00 mistake. They told me that I would have to pay it and then apply to get it back. Well after many phone calls (and a very helpful lady at the treasures office), they fixed the mistake before I had to pay. Thank you so very much. So instead of 4200.00 it was only 2500.00 a big difference. They also told me that because of housing market and school millage change (the school bond was paid) next year my taxes should only be around 1500.00. yippee I hope they are right. But for now I'm happy and the county is happy. Now maybe I can finish getting hooked up to natural gas.

A long cold winter

I do know that I'm more then ready for winter to be over. I'm so wanting spring to get here. It's been a very long winter with very little heat for the house. I haven't been able to buy propane at all this winter. I was going to switch over to natural gas this year. But things came up and I didn't get to switch. Well I got part of it done but not all of it. So this winter it's been wood, electric stove, and 20# propane tank for hot water. That last for 1 week. I just so wish things would work out better for me. But there is no use crying over it. It won't get me heat, so I will just keep truckin along and hope that we have a early spring. And maybe by next winter I will have it hooked up.

Feb. 21, 2010

It's been a busy day. My bosses brother passed away while snowmobiling on Friday. He will be greatly missed by all. My heart goes out to his family. I know the hardships that they will face. So today was spent cooking alot of food for them. They have all the kids and family coming in from all over the country. They will have between 12-15 people at one house. So today I made egg salad, macaroni salad, 4 different kind of cookies, pumpkin bread pudding & soggy chocolate cake. Hopefully I can get it to them before the snow storm gets to bad. Yes I did say that bad word again. But in Michigan what do you expect. When I talked to my boss on Friday he said that I was probley the only person he knew that knew how he and his sister in law truly feels. I wish that I didn't know. But I do and all I can do is be there and listen. They all have a very long road ahead of them. They are lucky as I was, because they have a great family support system also.

Feb. 10, 2010

It's Wednesday afternoon. Very windy and we just finished up with a snow storm. We got just over 10" of the white stuff. Now comes the clean up, at least I don't have to shovel, thanks to the plow guys. Days like this I wish I was at home looking out the window. The snow just sparkles in the sun shine. It's really quite beautiful. When I was younger I would spend the day in the kitchen baking. I miss those days. It always felt so much better with the oven on and the good smells coming out of the kitchen. Last night after work I went home and made a big pot of homemade soup and a raspberry cake. Started a nice fire, finished a book and settled in. I like those kind of evenings. Only one thing was missing, someone to cuddle with. I guess I shouldn't complain to much, I had 1 dog and 5 cats to cuddle with. They thought that was good enough. Just wasn't the same for me.

Jan. 31, 2010

The birthday party was so good. He had so much fun with his trucks and toys. I have to say he looked pretty sharp in his new cowboy boots and Harley motorcycle jacket. I will post pictures later. His mother is trying to get better ones. He was to busy to stand still very long. If we could only keep them little for ever...

My son in law Rich and I was watching all the kids playing and he made a comment regarding his two sons. That he was not looking forward to the teenage years and that he would probley know all the local cops on first name basis. Not that they are bad boys, they are just boys! Richie is the mouth and Mason is the action. And lord help us. I on the other hand can sit back and almost picture them as teens. It will be very interesting and could be amusing also. I'm glad that I'm just the grandmother. Yup, boys are different...but you got to love them.

Jan. 29, 2010

Yesterday my youngest grandson's birthday. He is named after his grandpa and he turned 2. It's hard to believe how fast the time goes. Brad was so looking forward to this grand baby. He would say "just another one to love". The grandchildren meant the world to him. I wish he could see how they are growing. They are getting so big. He would be so proud.

Sometimes I just hate special events. It makes it so hard to realise how long he has been gone.

Jan. 24, 2010

It's Sunday and has been raining most of the day, and like the day my mood is the same. I'm very depressed this weekend. I don't know why unless it's because of my knee hurting so badly. I haven't been sleeping well because of it. Nothing has seemed to work to make it feel better. I have no energy, all I want to do is sit or sleep. I feel like I have wasted the whole weekend.
When I woke this morning for some strange reason I reached for the phone to call my mom. Boy did that one surprise me, she will have been gone 11 yrs this March. It just goes to show that know matter how long it's been, it's still there. The emptiness. So I guess this is how it will be for the rest of my life.

Last night Amanda called and told me about this Great Dane that was given up. Sent me pictures, she is absolutely beautiful. I found myself wanting her, but what would I do with her. This morning I found out that Amanda is going to keep her. I'm glad but at the same time sad.
No not a good weekend.

Jan. 20, 2010

Work has been stressful the last few days, and it looks like it might stay that way for awhile. Job security, right? After having such a relax full weekend it makes me wish that I could stay home more. Catch up on all the things I have neglected, do some decorating, visit with friends. Maybe someday.

I was watching a show and this lady had lost her husband. They didn't say how he had died, but she said that when he had been gone for 6 month, she woke up one day and decided that was it. Life goes on and so was she. She was going to move, redecorate and become a new her. It makes me think that he must have been ill a very long time for her to make such drastic changes after 6 months. More power to her. But from my experience and those of my friends that have lost their husbands that is not how it goes. I do know that I hit different stages of grief. Some stages I thought that I was making great head way only to be slammed back to the start. I really didn't get to where I'm feeling good until this past month. And boy I hope it stays this way.
I mean I still have lonely times and I know I always will. I still cry over some silly thing that I remember and that will never change. But over all I feel the best I have felt since Brad past away.

Each of us traveling this horrible path have to find our own way. No matter how long it takes us to get there, and we will.

Jan. 17, 2010

Sunday evening, it's been a very nice weekend. Warming up to the upper 30's. Very nice. I did some housework, and ran some errands, and just relaxed. I wanted to clean the laundry room, but didn't get to it. But something tells me that it won't go any where. And I'm not worried about it. It was a very stressful week at work and the next few does not show any signs of changing. So I value restful weekends.

I went over to Step's house 3 night to help Mason do his homework. He is such a corker. He is making real great progress, but he is a worrier. But we seem to have a great connection. I have to say I feel very close to all 5 of my grand kids. I enjoy spending time with them and I think they enjoy spending time with me.

Last Wednesday evening I took Step and the kids to Kroger's. I know one of the clerk there, she was working and we checked out in her lane. Of course we shared stories about her cats and mine. Gave each other hugs and Patty said love ya hon. We started out and Madysen asked why she said that, she not one of your friends she just works her. I explained that she was a friend of mine, even though we don't see each other outside of Kroger's often. That I met her at Kroger's and our friendship developed from there. That you can meet new friends any where. I then told her that I have made several friends of customers that come into my work. And we talk and see each other outside of my work.

Later at home I was thinking about our conversation and I remember someone say "if you have 2 real friends, then you are in deed a rich person". If that is the case, then I'm so wealthy you can begin to count all of my riches. And I'm not talking about casual friends that you just say hi to when you see them. I'm talking about friends that you can call day or night, that know you better then you know yourself sometimes, that are there no matter what. They won't let you get away with hiding from things, but they would be sitting in jail with you after they help kick some behind if need be. These friends are as close as family. I know this because when I was losing Brad and the calls went out, they where there. Every time I went into the waiting room, I was surprised how many people where there. And in the days that followed, they sat with me, cried with me, and just held my hand. Some of these friends I hadn't seen in years, and yet they where there. Yes, I am very rich.

Jan.8, 2010

Boy did we get the snow last night. Now the winds. No school today so Madysen my oldest granddaughter went to work with me while the boys went over to a friends house for the day. It was along drive into work but we made it. Very quite, not many people out and about. When I got home the drive was all done. It's always nice to come home and not have to worry about things like that. Amanda and her family was over so we spent some time together. Mo didn't want to go home, it was so much fun watching her trying to reason with her mom on why she should be able to stay. The first one was "her mom had Bradley so she didn't need her", after several attempts with that one she just looked at her mom and said "but Grandma needs kids." Have to say I lost it on that one. The little dickens. Needless to say, she went home, but not with out a fight.

Jan. 11, 2010

This past week has been sooo cold. My son in law brought over a stack of wood for the wood burner in the living room. Now those of you that knew Brad, knows how much he loved heating the house with wood. I haven't done much of that since he died. But this weekend I started a fire and kept it going all weekend. The furnace didn't come on once. In fact it got over 70. I was roasting. Brad would have been so proud of it, so proud of me. But now it's a work week so no fire.....not until this weekend. Here is to you honey.

Jan. 5, 2010

Well the New Year is here, and it's been so cold!!!!!!!!! We don't have alot of snow. Maybe 3", it looks pretty out, I just wish it would warm up to the upper 20's. I don't like the single digits and sub zero wind chills. I had a very quite New Years. I had Mo & Bradley, we went over to Aunt Step's house and played. Rich fixed some wings and ribs, UMMMM so good. Spent some time with Jenny & Joel before they had to go back to South Dakota ;( . And some other very dear friends Jen & Bill stopped over. It was so good to see them. I took the kids back to my house and Amanda and Brandon came down and spent the night with me. It was such a nice time. I did nothing the rest of the weekend. Read a book, did a little laundry and dishes, but I didn't even get dressed on Sat & Sun. Very lazy ;) .

I made a new years resolution just to get healthier. That will help with my diabetes, weight loss, and hopefully my knees. My second one is getting this house in order. The only thing left to do down stairs is the 1/2 bath and laundry room. Then we head upstairs. I'm not talking about painting or re-doing just a good cleaning and sorting out stuff. Then when that is done we will see about re-doing some areas. Maybe just finishing up some projects that have been started. Hopefully I will have the upstairs done by spring and then I can get started outside and the garage can get done. Wish me luck, I will keep you posted on the progress.

I think I'm actually looking forward to this year. For some reason I feel like it might be a turning point for me. I will always miss Brad, and I know that there will still be some hard days a head. But I feel like I might have some kind of further to look forward to. It's still gets lonely with no one to hold me or share special moments. But that is OK. I don't think I will ever be ready to share what I shared with Brad with any one else. I think I will just hang on to the memories instead.