SNOW!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. We have been in the 60's & 70's, even his 80's a couple of times already. My toad trillium are blooming, Dutchmen Breeches are blooming, Trout Lilly, Virginia Bluebells, Merry Bells, Bleeding heart are all up, even my Lilac's are starting to bud. The Pussy Willows are all done, and now SNOW. I know it won't last it will be in the 60's again by Sunday. But this whole week has been cold rainy and just rotten. I guess it matches my mood. I really don't have much to write about today. So I decided to post the 1st entry in journal. It might give you a peek on how far I have come and how I was feeling 7 months after I lost him.
JULY 11, 2008
I'm going to try to use this as my way of working though my grief. I don't want anyone to feel bad or guilty. This isn't about you so try and understand, I just need to have some kind of outlet for my feelings. And if I help someone who has the misfortune to be going though what I'm going though that’s a plus.
I lost my husband last fall after 36 years of being together. Quite a blow to the system. Yes it was quite unexpected, but what has come since has also been unexpected. No one can tell you about the roller coaster ride that you have been forced to take (and I never have cared for them myself). You know it will take time and friends and family will be there as much as possible. But what you don't know is how it can blindside you when you are doing reasonably well. And the loneliness at sitting home night after night by yourself. And all of the first as you can well expect. And you can’t go by a certain time frame. You have to do what is comfortable for you. So I have been taking my time but now I’m wondering, how will I know if it’s time to move to the next step.
Before I get into all of that let me tell you a little about myself in case you don't know me. I have always been independent, pretty strong, and confident person. I really thought that I knew myself pretty well. And I always believed that if one of us had to go first it would be best if it was Brad my husband. I was sure he was not strong enough to survive losing me. He was such a homebody and depended on me for everything. (or so I thought) I didn't realize that behind this strong, self assured woman was a man that I leaned on heavily. It wasn't until I lost him that I found out how much I depended on him. He was my everything and gave me more support then I knew or could have guessed. We shared everything from love, to some knock down drag out fights. But now that I look back they where pretty stupid for the most part. But that is life.
You will have to forgive me I will be jumping back and forth, from the past to the present. But that is how my memories are working. I’m here then I’m there. This past week has been very difficult and I don’t know why. But the depression has set in and I’m having trouble getting it to lift this time. I guess that is why I have started this journey.