BITTERSWEET

It's been a rough weekend.  It started Friday night when I got my mail.  There was a letter from Gift of Life.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to open it or not.  So as I sat in my driveway, I took a deep breath and opened the letter.  They had enclosed a letter from a person who had received Brad's gift.  And as I sat in the car reading this person letters, crying like a baby, I was once more back to that horrible day that I lost him.  I don't know how long I sat in the car crying.  But I finally got myself into the house and called my girls.  They where both so happy to hear about this person and had trouble understanding why I was so upset.  I posted it on face book and called a  friend.  They where all so happy for me, but I wasn't.  But two got how I was feeling, my cousin and my wonderful sister.  They both understood that I was reliving the nightmare all over again.   Don't miss understand me.  I'm so happy for this person.  I'm happy that Brad was able to make his life so very much better, that he lives on.  But my scar was ripped open and I have to deal with the pain as if it just happened again.

The girls want to answer the letter.  I need a few days to regroup.  Then we will sit down and send him a reply. 

Brad made a miracle happen, but it hurts so damn bad.

I'M NOT WHAT I SEEM TO BE

I'm in a funk.  I have been very busy and I have let my house go.  I keep thinking that if I could have some time just to stay at home, I could get caught up.  But I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like to be at the house.  When I'm there I just sit and watch TV or read.  It just doesn't seem like home any more, not when I'm all by myself.  So I guess that is why I have let it go.  Now I hate to be there because it's so depressing.  So I have been doing some self analyzing.  And this is what I have come up with.

When I'm away from the house I can pretend everything is alright, that I'm alright.  I'm doing just great.  I have picked myself up and carried on.   BUT when I'm home, I can't pretend any more.  So I think I'm still depressed over the changes in my life.  But I can cover it up when I'm not at home.  So I have painted myself into a corner, sort of speaking.  I know the kids don't like to come over anymore.  They haven't since Brad died.  But it's getting worse.  My oldest hasn't been over since last Christmas and my youngest not since April.  So I guess that is another reason I have let the place go.  But if I was being honest, I have lost interest in it.  There is no one there to appreciate it, so why bother.

But it does bother me.  I don't like living like this and Brad would be so upset with what I have done. Not just with the house but with myself as well.  Some times at night I almost wish it was over, but again, as much as I miss my husband, I'm not ready to leave.  So now I have to find the inter strength to try and fix it.  I'm just not sure where to start or what to do.  I know it will take some time.  Hopeful not forever.  So I took a 1/2 day off yesterday and got started.  Didn't get as much done as I would have liked, but it's a start.  And what I did get done made me feel better.  So I have got a little start on the house, now I have to start doing something for me.  If I keep going as I am, I'm not going to have much of a life.  So it's time to make some changes.

So little sister, don't worry and don't rush right up.  I need to work this through for me, by myself.  I can't keep expecting everyone to help me fix it when I'm not ready to keep it done up.  So if I do the work hopefully I can make myself and Brad proud of me, once again.

Then maybe after the 1st of the year I will try and move back into my bedroom again.

CATCH UP

 I know it's been awhile but you have know idea what it's been like.  Both of my son in laws have been busy and gone due to work.  So I have been working and helping the girls.  The boys are back, but I still don't have alot of time..  Or so it seems. 

Went to my 40th class reunion.  It was so fun to see everyone and play catch up after 40 yrs.  I have kept in touch with a couple of the girls, but to see everyone was great.

At work we just finished the 2cd barn sale of the year.  It was a very big hit.  I don't know how Lisa does it.  She works at it for 6 month, have the sale.  Then  she cleans out the rest and starts over.  Talk about a job.

And all of my grand children are in school this year.  Even my 3 year old is going to pre school.  Where has the time gone.

Well fall is in the air, and winter is coming.  Maybe I will have more time then.

I'M AWESOME-SO SAYS MY GRAND DAUGHTER

Two weeks ago my oldest grand daughter and I started taking cake decorating classes. (I know that everyone that knows me, already knows I have done many, many cakes.  For weddings, graduations and even for one of our local GM plants.  So I know a little about cake decorating.)  When we where in Florida this spring visiting her other grand parents. And Madysen was looking at Granny's cake decorating books.(Granny has been taking classes in FL.)  Madysen really wanted to learn how so I told her I would take some classes with her.  So finally after many months of waiting, we found a class that worked with both of our schedules.  So the first night we just practiced the basics, but the second night we got to do our first class.  Her is a picture of her first cake.  She did a great job and I so pround of her.  I so enjoy spending time with her. 

So on the way home after class we where talking about the next class and the fair that was coming up.  Also that she wanted to bake her brothers cake for his birthday this Friday.  When she looked at me and said "you are awesome" .  I can't begin to tell you what that did to me.  God, I'm so lucky.  And she is pretty AWESOME herself. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE

July 23, 2011 is my oldest daughters birthday.  I won't tell anyone how old she is, that will be our little secret.  She keeps amazing me on how she keeps up with 3 kids.  So why her husband and oldest son was out camping with the boy scouts, we (as all of the family) went out to dinner then to a drive in movie.  It was a very relaxful evening filled with love.  Happy Birthday Sweetie. 
 I Love You, Mom

JULY 20, 2011 MORGHANS IS 6

It's hard to believe that this little bundle of joy has turned into this wonderful little girl.  And what an imagination.  Here are few examples of some conversations with her mother.

" My little girl told me today all she wanted for her birthday is just to spend time with her family.... At 6 years old she is so wise to what really matters in life :) and then she asked if i could take her to Disney world today ahh to be 6 again.   July 14 at 11:43am"

and

"• "Morghan what do you want for you birthday?"-Me   "A Pool"-Mo     "like a blow up pool we had last year?"-Me

"No like the one at a hotel! With a slide ooo and a real dolphin like flipper... and some starfish- real ones like on nemo and a sea turtle with a purple shell!" -Mo   "Anything else" -Me    "Nope I think that covers it"-Mo
July 6 at 4:09pm • "


 and then today 
"Mo did you clean your room"?-me    "No"-mo    "Why?"-me

"Because its just going to get messy again...Whats the point?"-mo

OH yes what a girl.  Happy Birthday

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY

4th OF JULY

After working 6 days a week again, I was looking forward to a 3 day weekend.  Getting some chores done, relaxing and maybe a cook out with the kids. WRONG!!!!!
I ended up being called into work on Saturday, cleaned house on Sunday and today I did get to watch my grand kids. That was a fun time.

But the only think I kept thinking about is the big 4th of July parties that Brad & I use to have.  The grill going, good food and lots of  family and friends to share with.  Then off to the fireworks.  Spread out the blankets, snack on leftovers, lay back and watch the show.  But those days are over and not to return.  The kids are busy with their own life's and traditions die.  So I worked and then came home and did chores.  I did get to watch the grand kids but no cook out, no celebration, no family.  Just a lot of memories of the past and the loneliness has come back, once again.

SPRING WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

It's the middle of April and last Sunday it was sunny and 81, and today it's windy & snowing to beat the band.   My Trillium are coming up along with my Dutchmen Britches & Virgina Blue Bells.  So, what is the meaning of this white stuff?
The poor Robins, Red Wing Black Bird & Killdeer are at a total lost.  Even the little Blue Bird looked confused.  So please Mother Nature let Spring come back.
SO I CAN TURN OFF MY FURNACE, AGAIN!

SO STOP YELLING

My sister has been yelling at me because I haven't updated my blog lately.  So stop yelling, I have up dated it so now you can be happy.  Love ya

If ever there was a day that you could choose to join your loved one....Today would be mine.  But since you can't make that choice, you just have to sit here and make do.  But someday.

OK ENOUGH OF 2011 ALREADY

I was really looking forward to a new year.  It had to better, I  don't think any one can go thought another year like 2010.  No jobs, no money just so very sad.  So I spend the 1st day of the New Year with my very special sister.  We had so much fun I hated to leave.  We have to make a point of spending more time together this year.  Well I should have stayed at her house.....forever!

We knew that my dear friend and co-worker's husband had kidney cancer and had to have surgery on 1/4/11. So here is a quick summary on the first week of 2011.

Said husband comes though surgery only to have good kidney shut down.  It was touch and go for the whole week.  He is doing better and hopefully will come home this week.  Oh, she just got a phone call from him and now he has a collapse lung.

Another dear friends brother in law has a brain tumor and has been given less then 2 months to live.  It's a free for all and the fighting has already started between the kids.

My oldest daughter has been having some health questions so they ran a lot of different test before the holidays.  She got a phone call that she needs to come and go over the results because something came back.  What and how bad is yet to be seen.

My  part time Saturday girl, daughter is in liver failure and has been given less the 6 month to live and she has found out that she needs surgery and will be seeing the surgeon in Feb.

And yes the boss still had stage 4 cancer.

I'm seriously thinking about hanging a sign up saying "see you next year" !