Monday, April 19, 2010

Just a Monday

It was very very cold this morning. We had a freeze warning last night but now it's in the high 50s and the sun is out. I know this week will go by fast and then I'm leaving for a long weekend with my sister. I can't wait. It's been to long. But that will be for a later post. I will concentrate on this past weekend.

As I mentioned before we are getting ready for the big barn sale. I knew my one daughter needed a bed and the other washer & dryer. And we had some of each. So they came out to look. Had a lot to look at and they found some nice deals. They each got what they needed, but sometimes I feel that instead of helping out with getting used ones, I should be buying new ones. And I just can't afford it. It's not anything they expect me to do, but I feel guilty. I know it's just me picking up on their feelings that they wish they could just buy new items.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


WOW... I just been reading over some of my thoughts and feelings I wrote the summer after Brad died. I thought I was doing better then I was. I can now see how far I have come and that makes me feel better about myself.

Today is in the 80's and sunny. It's so nice out. You just want to go out and absorb all the warmth.

Not to much going on, just working at getting the barn sale ready. And I'm going on mini road trip with my sister. I can't wait, we are taking some stuff down to my niece. I want to see her and her family, but I'm so looking forward to the trip with my sister. We have so much fun when we take these trips. And I miss not doing them as often as we had in the past. We use to go up north to Traverse City and buy plants (code word for Trillium), do some shopping, visit and just be stupid. Like getting lost, going the wrong way down a one way street(that would be me). But mostly just being with each other. We have a great relationship and I would be lost with out her.

When Brad was dieing all I wanted was my sister. She was in church, and I sent the police to get her,(they went to the wrong church) but she was found. And she was there with me before I knew it. I have to admit I'm so blessed with one of the best and supportive families there is.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Sorry I didn't get anything posted yesterday. I have been so busy at work. We are gearing up for big barn sale. It's a very huge ware house space that twice a year we hold sales. Unload everything that didn't get auction off in the last 6 mos at both are location. It's lots of fun but lots of work. And at night I'm so tired I just go home and eat and fall into bed. So today I'm going to post one from my journal. I will catch up later.


JULY 14, 2008
I still can’t drag myself out of this depression. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working any more. I was hoping that this weekend would help. But no if anything it made it worse. The only good thing was having to spend time with my kids and grand kids. I always enjoy that. I found out that my hot tub is far worse off then I first thought it was. A whole pipe is split, I still don’t have a house phone or hot water. I feel like I’m becoming a burden on kids because I can’t do many things because of my knees. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate having to depend on everyone for stupid little things. It’s so demeaning and I know that the girls are feeling guilty and that is the last thing I want. They have their own lives to live and shouldn't have to be bothered by all of my problems. My boss just came in and said that I have been looking very tired lately and have I been sleeping. I told him that I think it’s just emotional, and being a man he can’t handle those kinds of things. And to make things worse I started to cry. (I have been doing that a lot lately). His response to that was to think about all the good things I have in my life. I do and they make me feel better, but they can’t take away all of the rest of what I’m feeling and until you walk in my shoes and have felt the loss that I have, you just don’t know. I just want to able to do and take of the everyday things. I’m sorry Brad I do understand your depression better now. I just wish I knew then what I know now.
No matter what my boss says, he has no idea the loneliness that fills my life. Yes, I have wonderful family and friends, but it’s just not the same. When you are having a bad day, all you want to do is go home and have someone there to listen. Or when you are watching TV and something funny happens or sad, again, no one. AND IT’S SO DAMN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!
That is all I can handle for today, must dry the tears again and put on a smile to make everyone else feel better

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Today is a better day. I slept last night, in fact I slept to long and had a hard time getting up. But I did and I kept myself busy. Last night Amanda and her family took me out to dinner, it was very nice and I had a very nice visit with them. Then when I got home I had a long phone call from my sister. She was concerned after reading my blog. She understands so then we talked about all the flowers that are coming up.

I didn't do anything special today. Laundry and some laundry for Stephanie. She had to go and pick up the kids this weekend so I was helping her out. I went to the store and cleaned up the house. Made a nice dinner and dessert. I know it doesn't sound like much, but when you are as low as I was yesterday, it helps. I know I use to tell Brad when he got depressed to get moving and he would feel better. But now I know that is easier said then done. But the sunshine is helping and the staying busy has helped. So all and all I'm doing better.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


My family may not want to read this posting. But if you insist, keep in mind this is how I'm feeling. It may not be accurate, but at this minute this is what I"AM feeling. Hopefully it will pass quickly and YES I know how much I depend on you and how much you do for me and are there for me. Now with that said, here we go.

I have hit a new bottom, I couldn't sleep last night. So I woke up at 7 with only 4 hrs of sleep, feeling so very depressed and over whelmed. I have been gone so much for the last 6 or more weeks, so the house is trashed, the yard is trashed and I don't feel like doing any thing. Oh where is the maid when you need one. Oh yeah, that would take money which I don't have. I'm so tired of chasing my tail and feeling like I'm not getting any where or any thing out of it. It's been a crappy week and I don't want to do anything.

I went over to Step's house to put Molly out and just started crying for no reason. And I cried all the way over there. Now I"m back home and I feel the tears coming again... Some how I have to mustard up the energy and clean. God all I want is to go back to bed and cry.

Friday, April 9, 2010


SNOW!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. We have been in the 60's & 70's, even his 80's a couple of times already. My toad trillium are blooming, Dutchmen Breeches are blooming, Trout Lilly, Virginia Bluebells, Merry Bells, Bleeding heart are all up, even my Lilac's are starting to bud. The Pussy Willows are all done, and now SNOW. I know it won't last it will be in the 60's again by Sunday. But this whole week has been cold rainy and just rotten. I guess it matches my mood. I really don't have much to write about today. So I decided to post the 1st entry in journal. It might give you a peek on how far I have come and how I was feeling 7 months after I lost him.

JULY 11, 2008
I'm going to try to use this as my way of working though my grief. I don't want anyone to feel bad or guilty. This isn't about you so try and understand, I just need to have some kind of outlet for my feelings. And if I help someone who has the misfortune to be going though what I'm going though that’s a plus.
I lost my husband last fall after 36 years of being together. Quite a blow to the system. Yes it was quite unexpected, but what has come since has also been unexpected. No one can tell you about the roller coaster ride that you have been forced to take (and I never have cared for them myself). You know it will take time and friends and family will be there as much as possible. But what you don't know is how it can blindside you when you are doing reasonably well. And the loneliness at sitting home night after night by yourself. And all of the first as you can well expect. And you can’t go by a certain time frame. You have to do what is comfortable for you. So I have been taking my time but now I’m wondering, how will I know if it’s time to move to the next step.
Before I get into all of that let me tell you a little about myself in case you don't know me. I have always been independent, pretty strong, and confident person. I really thought that I knew myself pretty well. And I always believed that if one of us had to go first it would be best if it was Brad my husband. I was sure he was not strong enough to survive losing me. He was such a homebody and depended on me for everything. (or so I thought) I didn't realize that behind this strong, self assured woman was a man that I leaned on heavily. It wasn't until I lost him that I found out how much I depended on him. He was my everything and gave me more support then I knew or could have guessed. We shared everything from love, to some knock down drag out fights. But now that I look back they where pretty stupid for the most part. But that is life.
You will have to forgive me I will be jumping back and forth, from the past to the present. But that is how my memories are working. I’m here then I’m there. This past week has been very difficult and I don’t know why. But the depression has set in and I’m having trouble getting it to lift this time. I guess that is why I have started this journey.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Julie & Julia

I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a very good movie. But it got me thinking that I started this blog to help work though the adjustment of losing a husband. The changes in my life, and so on. I should be writing almost every day. How am I suppose to show how I manage everyday life if I don't. I almost wish that I didn't let my family & friends know about this, as I feel that I must watch what I write so I don't worry or upset any one. Well I'm going to try to do better and be more honest about my life. I will try and write most days. I was keeping a journal but I stopped and this blog picks up where I left off. Some days I just might post some of my journal entries. I will let you know when I do.

Today was a better day. At least no tragedy happened. Got up went to work, had a good day at work. I work with the best people there is. Truly I do. Two wonderful ladies that are my very good friends and a couple of great guys that would do any thing for us. They might grumble some but they would still do it. I had a surprise visitor today. A old friend that use to work in my vets office. We had a great visit and are planning to get together soon for lunch. After work I cashed by check and scraped together enough money to pay my electric bill. I tried to work a payment plan out with them, but no. Not quite sure about groceries and gas but I have power. Came home had a nice dinner and watched the above movie. So today wasn't so bad. I have all the animals feed and ready for bed. So I think I will turn in for the night.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


This has been a very rough week and it's only Wednesday. Yesterday my youngest daughter call and said that their dog Daisy a 8 mo. old Great Dane was having convolutions. She had no way of getting her to the vet. She has only had Daisy since the middle of Feb. She came into the vets weighing 40# and dropped off and left. She has been trying to get some weight on her but she would loss it as soon as she gained it. So I took off and picked her up and took her to my vet who ran a lot of test. Her blood work showed that her liver was bad, and her stomach couldn't absorb any protein. Plus more problems then I care to list. He feels that either it was hereditary or the results of poor breeding (like puppy mill). But she was suffering and he said if and it was a very small IF he could save her it was questionable that she would ever recover and live a normal life. So faced with that the decision was made to ease her suffering and let her go. I went home and was in bed before 9 pm. So that was Tuesday and today was a new day. although I wasn't in the best shape I was up and going to work. I forgot to mention that on Tuesday I left work and my wonderful boss so totally understood.

Back to Wednesday. I was in my car getting ready to leave when my oldest daughter called crying so hard I couldn't hear her. She just kept saying Diesels gone. Now I'm in shock, what do you mean Diesels gone? He slipped his collar and took off. They found him hit by a car. It looks like he was headed to my grandsons friends house. They think that because the kids are gone for the week, that he was missing them. One other time he got lose and he ran to the house the Rich was staying at. And that is where they found him, at the drive into the subdivision that his friend lives in. So that has been my week so far. I have had enough. The loss of these two special dogs is to much right now. ..
Diesel is on the right with his sister Molly on the left. This picture was taken last night just hours before he was killed.

They where loved so very much and will be so very much missed. And I know that Brad is taking good care of them. But it really doesn't help to make us feel better

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I would like to wish everyone a very happy Easter.

This is the first Easter that I'm truly alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just so different. In the past we have always celebrated either at our house or at my sisters. The whole family thing. It was so much fun. Then since Brad died, one of the girls has done Easter. But this year Step & Rich had to take the kids to meet Granny & Papa. The kids are going to spend a week in Fl.. And Amanda & Brandon are going to his family this year. So today I got up and called both my girls to wish them a happy Easter, went to the store, came home and picked up some trash in the yard. The weather turned out so nice and sunny. Came in and watched a movie. Next I'm going to pick up the house and do laundry. I know it doesn't sound like a very good holiday. But it is. I have had a very long week at work, and I have been very busy after work also. So it's nice to be able to stay home and get caught up, at least some what and relax.

Yesterday I did a very spare of the minute thing. I was at a drive thur to grab something to eat. I was leaving one job to go to another one. (That's another story for another time.) Anyway as I pulled up to pay for my lunch, I told the teller that I wanted to pay for the person behind me. I told her to the that person Happy Easter and if they ever had a chance to do something for another person to please pay it forward. I wonder how that turned out. I know it made me happy to do such a small thing for a stranger, and I hope that I made a difference in a small way for them.

So as we know, times change, families change, and it's OK to change the way we do things. And if I didn't have to go out, I would have stayed in my jammies all day.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Easter and I'm going to go watch another movie.