Sorry I didn't get anything posted yesterday. I have been so busy at work. We are gearing up for big barn sale. It's a very huge ware house space that twice a year we hold sales. Unload everything that didn't get auction off in the last 6 mos at both are location. It's lots of fun but lots of work. And at night I'm so tired I just go home and eat and fall into bed. So today I'm going to post one from my journal. I will catch up later.
JULY 14, 2008
I still can’t drag myself out of this depression. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working any more. I was hoping that this weekend would help. But no if anything it made it worse. The only good thing was having to spend time with my kids and grand kids. I always enjoy that. I found out that my hot tub is far worse off then I first thought it was. A whole pipe is split, I still don’t have a house phone or hot water. I feel like I’m becoming a burden on kids because I can’t do many things because of my knees. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate having to depend on everyone for stupid little things. It’s so demeaning and I know that the girls are feeling guilty and that is the last thing I want. They have their own lives to live and shouldn't have to be bothered by all of my problems. My boss just came in and said that I have been looking very tired lately and have I been sleeping. I told him that I think it’s just emotional, and being a man he can’t handle those kinds of things. And to make things worse I started to cry. (I have been doing that a lot lately). His response to that was to think about all the good things I have in my life. I do and they make me feel better, but they can’t take away all of the rest of what I’m feeling and until you walk in my shoes and have felt the loss that I have, you just don’t know. I just want to able to do and take of the everyday things. I’m sorry Brad I do understand your depression better now. I just wish I knew then what I know now.
No matter what my boss says, he has no idea the loneliness that fills my life. Yes, I have wonderful family and friends, but it’s just not the same. When you are having a bad day, all you want to do is go home and have someone there to listen. Or when you are watching TV and something funny happens or sad, again, no one. AND IT’S SO DAMN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!
That is all I can handle for today, must dry the tears again and put on a smile to make everyone else feel better