Wednesday, December 30, 2009
With alot of help from my youngest the living room looks great. It still needs to be painted, but boy it really looks great. They wouldn't let me in while they cleaned the carpet, hung the drapes and put the furniture in place. They did such a good job. Now if I can get the rest of the house done. It's time to clean out and clean up the upstairs.
I know I joke about how I like it cooler then most people, and I do. But I sure wish I could get hooked up to natural gas. I'm milking the propane, (I can't afford to buy 250 gals) so it's colder then I like it. I so wish for a warm spell. Maybe I will get hooked up soon. I hope.
I will miss sitting in the hot tub waiting for ball to drop. That is how Brad and I use bring the New Year in. This year I will probley be in bed sleeping. We never did much celebrating. So I hope everyone has a good New Years.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Yesterday was my 38th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it was 38 year ago that I married Brad and now he is gone and it's just another day. No cards, no flowers, no dinner, no I love you. It's seems so wrong that such a special day should be turned into just another day. And people just don't know what to say to you. And you can't tell them what to say because nothing will help.
I do believe I handled it better this year. I told him that I love him and miss him. I made a little note on face book and thanked those that responded. Then I kept real, real busy.
I thought I had finished my Christmas shopping last night only to find out that I must had inadvertently put a gift back that I had intended on buying. So I have to stop and pick that up, then I'm done. Now for the wrapping and baking. Oh and putting up the tree. Then a week later get to take every thing down again. And to think that I use to love Christmas. What ever happened to the spirit? I sure hope I find it again some day.
I'm not going to bake as many cookies that I use to do. I'm only making 4 different kinds and only a couple dozen of each one. That way there shouldn't be any left to temp me. I have been doing very well on my diet. I'm feeling better even. My knees aren't yet, but there is still hope for that. I go to the dietitian on Sat. we will see what she says. I will let you know.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I'm try to get ready for Christmas. It gets harder every year. I wish it was like it was when my kids where little. I would put up a tree in every room, 4 of the trees where big ones. Then all the other decorations. My grand children have never ever seen the way it use to be. But since I started working it's been to much to do all of that, and now since Brad is gone, it's really to much work. If it was easier to get to it and put back I probley would do it. Maybe someday I will do it.
I keep telling my kids that they don't have to get me anything, just give me their time. I have so much to do that I can't do by myself. I do realize sometimes that giving your time is harder then just going out and buy a gift. I do know that if I was able to I would hire someone to do the work. I can't wait to have a new place then maybe I will need less help to maintain it.
I hope to finish my Christmas shopping by the middle of next week. I really don't have to much more to get. I will do some tonight on my way home and again on my way to work in the morning. I will be so glad when it's done. I'm going to do some baking but not like I use to. And I'm sending all the left overs home with the kids. I can't get over how good I have been about all of my food choices. I'm very proud of myself.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Over the weekend I gave up coke and made the complete switch over to diet coke. I have decided that I'm going to beat this. I am going to lose the weight and control it with my diet. I have never been this determined to do something. It scares me if I can't. I know what can happen and I don't want to go there. I want to enjoy the rest of my life.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I had to go to the doctor yesterday for re-fills on my meds. I go to a free clinic because I have no insurance since I lost my husband. I work but still can not afford to pay for insurance. Any way, I got quite the shock. I was told I have diabetes. They gave me some info to read and told me to go to a class. Have a nice day. Now what do I do? A dear friend who's husband has diabetes had a new monitor he wasn't using and gave that to me. But I can't afford the test strips and I have know idea what the reading are suppose to be. In the county I live in there isn't to much help for the uninsured. I guess this will be a motivator to lose some weight. I asked about some help with my knees and was told there is nothing they can do. They can't even write a script for pain meds. It's so much fun getting old.
I was in a pretty bad mood yesterday because of this news. Stephanie was trying to tell me all the things I needed to know. And that changing my diet was a good thing and she would help me. I did inform her that I hated the changes I have to make and I was going to feel sorry for myself for the rest of the evening. I felt I was entitled to a 24 hr. pity party. She said FINE but I had better lose it by morning. I did.
Today I have been trying to find some answers to all of my questions. It's a slow process. Hopefully after my class I will have more answers and more understanding. But why now, just before the holidays!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
This morning when I got to Steps house she gave me this paper that one of the kids had written. It was titled "WHAT I'M THANK FULL FOR", and it was all about me. I have to admit that I lost it when I read how much it meant when I wrapped my soft arms around him and hugged him. It was written by my Richie. I'm going to have it framed. You see what I mean about family. They make it all better. I can't imagine not being close to my kids and grand kids. Being able to see them when ever I want to. Even though I know I might not be able to someday.
Now I'm sitting at work and I swear that I can smell the turkey cooking. I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are having a turkey contest & stuffing contest. We have 2, that's right 2 turkeys totally 29# of turkey meat for 11 people,(5 being children) to eat. 1 is going on the grill and 1 is going in the roaster. We will see who will win the contest. This should be sooo good. I will let you know who wins.
I'm not sure if we are going shopping on Friday. I know Amanda doesn't want to get up that early. I will let you know if we go and what kind of deals we get.
So have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
So today I'm going to do my dishes and clean out the fridge. This afternoon I'm going to a family gathering to visit some of my cousins. That should be fun. I'm back to taking in one minute at a time.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I just wish things at work were going better. It's been a very rough week. Hopefully next week will be better...Nope, because it looks like for the first time in 6 yrs. I will have to work the day after and not get my long weekend. No one else can work so it's between me and the owner, he offered, but would make a real mess, so you know what that means. I'm really not happy about it. But wait until christmas, I still have 1 more vacation day left and I'm going to use it. NO MATTER WHAT!
I think I had better change the subject because I'm getting angry all over again.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I was talking to my kids yesterday, and one daughter was having just as bad of day as I was. It was in between the tears that it hit me, just as I worry about them, they worry about me. And as I wish that they would help me get some things finished, they feel guilty because they haven't got them finished. Both my daughters have young families, and so much going on. I never realized that they felt guilty about me.
So to my daughters and their families. I'm so very grateful for everything you have done for me. Your continued support and help. Sometimes I forget that you are also suffering and trying to cope with your loss as well. So to you I'm saying Thank You. You make my life easier with all of your help. I'm not sure what I would do with out you both. I'm so proud of you, and proud to call you family.
As for everything else in my life, well, we will still take it one day at a time.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
I think I might go away this weekend. Hopefully that will help clear my head (doubtful or maybe a fairy godmother with a magic ward will have it all done when I get back).
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I'm not sure what to write today. I know that tomorrow is the official day that I Brad died. But I really lost him on the 11th. That is the day it happened, that is the day I can't forget. I just don't know what else to say. It's not fair, the sun is shinning the air was frosty and cold this morning and now its warming up nicely. It seems so normal, it just don't feel right, it's not right. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in, like it's movie I'm watching. That none of this is real, and if that is the case why does it hurt so much. Damn I wish I had the some answers. I'm going to have dinner with my sister tonight. She is coming up to spend a couple of hours with me. My kids tell me to just think about that and nothing else. I'm trying... I'm trying hard. Everyone should have a sister like mine. We are close, so close. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I did. We have so much fun together, we really do like each other, I mean it. If you could see some the silly things we have done and our families just smile and shake their heads. Everyone should be so lucky to this kind of relationship with their sibling. It's how families where meant to be. So I will just focus and tonight. It will have to be better then last night. Went to bed at 9:30 and cried myself to sleep...now I'm not going to start crying again..NO I'm not!!!! Stop it, take a deep breath, another one,....there that is better. Tonight...just think about tonight..ok...it's OK. It's OK.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
I lost my husband of 36 years on Nov. 12, 2007 from a spontaneous brain bleed. It has caused my world to come to an end as I had known it. I started Blogging on Myspace to get some of my feelings out so I won't go crazy from the grieve. I found it helped and if you are reading this I hope though my pain and learning so will you.
We met when I was 17 and he was 19. We where married a year later. Six years later we had our 1st daughter and 9 yrs after that came our 2cd child. We fought and loved, we worked hard to keep us together. We grew together and fell more in love with time. We have had many friends but he was my best friend. He was quite, I wasn't. He was my calming influences. He made me laugh and I think that we brought the best out of each other (most of the time). As his brother has told me since his death, that all you had to do was watch Brad watch me and see the love in his eyes. That is was so obvious how he felt about me. No one has said anything more precious to me. And the day before he past, he was taking care of me because I was sick. I saw him out in the yard looking for something. When he came in I asked what he was doing. He told me he was looking for his wedding ring.. he had lost it the day before, moving the washing machine into the house. He thought it came off in the gloves he was wearing but it wasn't there. It was making him so upset that he lost it. I told him not to worry we would fine it later.....we never did.As I was sitting in the hospital waiting for my youngest daughter to arrive from Tennessee, two of my dearest friends showed up. As they are holding me they tell me it will get better with a lot of time. They should know they have each losted their husbands. As we sit there my one friend mentions that it has been 6 yrs for her and 4 yrs for my other friend. That is when it hits us that our husbands (including 1 other friend that wasn't there) have all lost our husbands 2 yrs apart and in the same week in November. This is so unreal. 1 to cancer, 1 to a blockage, 1 to a heart attack, and now my husband. What are the odds....really!
When my daughter arrives we have a final goodbye and as we sit watching him leave us I looked around and saw my son in laws holding my daughters and it hits me. I have no one to hold me and to help me. I'm totally alone for the first time in my life, what am I going to do. The first few days and months are a blurr...the first year should be forgotten....the second year is getting better...slowly. With the help of my wonderful family and friends I'm making it. Some days better then others.
I have 2 daughters..my oldest is married with 3 children...1 girl & 2 boys. My youngest is also married with 2 children. 1 girl & 1 boy. She was 7 months pregnant when we lost her dad. She has honored his memory by naming her son after her father. He would have been so proud of him. Since his passing she has moved back to Michigan to be closer to her family.
We have always been a very close family..including the aunts, uncles & cousins.. as it should be. And this is how I'm making it.
But when night closes in and you are sitting alone in the house, all the longing and the loneliness comes back ten fold.
But the sun is shining again today and I'm at work. So I know that the next 9 hrs will be OK. My friends will make me laugh, my customers will make me forget (for now), and that is all I can ask for. And tonight I get my hair cut and colored, and that always make a women feel better.