Dec. 30, 2009

Well the holidays are almost over. I had a few bad moments, but over all it was much better this year. I laughed more and really enjoyed the kids and grand kids. I didn't get the tree up until the Sunday before Christmas, but it's OK. Both my kids thought the tree was alot bigger when they where little. I guess I should explain. I used the tree that we use to use when the girls where younger. Since they have left home we bought a 7ft fiber optic tree, only this year we couldn't find the base. So my son in law found the old one in the basement and brought that one up to use. I have to say, that for a tree that is 30 yrs old, it looked real good. I was quite surprised how good it looked. But both of my girls thought that it had shrunk. It's funny how things look differently from when we are small to when we are all grown up.
With alot of help from my youngest the living room looks great. It still needs to be painted, but boy it really looks great. They wouldn't let me in while they cleaned the carpet, hung the drapes and put the furniture in place. They did such a good job. Now if I can get the rest of the house done. It's time to clean out and clean up the upstairs.
I know I joke about how I like it cooler then most people, and I do. But I sure wish I could get hooked up to natural gas. I'm milking the propane, (I can't afford to buy 250 gals) so it's colder then I like it. I so wish for a warm spell. Maybe I will get hooked up soon. I hope.
I will miss sitting in the hot tub waiting for ball to drop. That is how Brad and I use bring the New Year in. This year I will probley be in bed sleeping. We never did much celebrating. So I hope everyone has a good New Years.

Dec. 18, 2009

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything new lately. It's been crazy at work and trying to get ready for the holidays. I haven't even got my tree up yet. I use to have it up Thanksgiving weekend now here it is the Friday before Christmas and still no tree. Hopefully this weekend.
Yesterday was my 38th wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that it was 38 year ago that I married Brad and now he is gone and it's just another day. No cards, no flowers, no dinner, no I love you. It's seems so wrong that such a special day should be turned into just another day. And people just don't know what to say to you. And you can't tell them what to say because nothing will help.
I do believe I handled it better this year. I told him that I love him and miss him. I made a little note on face book and thanked those that responded. Then I kept real, real busy.
I thought I had finished my Christmas shopping last night only to find out that I must had inadvertently put a gift back that I had intended on buying. So I have to stop and pick that up, then I'm done. Now for the wrapping and baking. Oh and putting up the tree. Then a week later get to take every thing down again. And to think that I use to love Christmas. What ever happened to the spirit? I sure hope I find it again some day.
I'm not going to bake as many cookies that I use to do. I'm only making 4 different kinds and only a couple dozen of each one. That way there shouldn't be any left to temp me. I have been doing very well on my diet. I'm feeling better even. My knees aren't yet, but there is still hope for that. I go to the dietitian on Sat. we will see what she says. I will let you know.

DEC. 10, 2009

Winter is here in full force, gusty winds up to 40 mph. wind chills in the single digits. Brrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm try to get ready for Christmas. It gets harder every year. I wish it was like it was when my kids where little. I would put up a tree in every room, 4 of the trees where big ones. Then all the other decorations. My grand children have never ever seen the way it use to be. But since I started working it's been to much to do all of that, and now since Brad is gone, it's really to much work. If it was easier to get to it and put back I probley would do it. Maybe someday I will do it.
I keep telling my kids that they don't have to get me anything, just give me their time. I have so much to do that I can't do by myself. I do realize sometimes that giving your time is harder then just going out and buy a gift. I do know that if I was able to I would hire someone to do the work. I can't wait to have a new place then maybe I will need less help to maintain it.
I hope to finish my Christmas shopping by the middle of next week. I really don't have to much more to get. I will do some tonight on my way home and again on my way to work in the morning. I will be so glad when it's done. I'm going to do some baking but not like I use to. And I'm sending all the left overs home with the kids. I can't get over how good I have been about all of my food choices. I'm very proud of myself.

Dec. 7, 2009

It's Monday afternoon. Very overcast and damp. We are suppose to get our 1st snow storm this Tuesday and Wednesday. We will see if they are right. You know how often the weather man are wrong. I went up north with Amanda and her family this past weekend. It was very relax full, and let me tell you they had snow. They had 3-5 on the ground and we got another 6-8 on Saturday night. The roads weren't the best, in fact we ran into a couple of areas that had a total white out. Not fun.
Over the weekend I gave up coke and made the complete switch over to diet coke. I have decided that I'm going to beat this. I am going to lose the weight and control it with my diet. I have never been this determined to do something. It scares me if I can't. I know what can happen and I don't want to go there. I want to enjoy the rest of my life.

Dec. 2, 2009

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. The whole family was there. I wish that it would always be this way, but if things don't change I know it won't be. The weather is not to bad today, around 50. I hear snow is being for casted for tomorrow. What can you expect for December, right?
I had to go to the doctor yesterday for re-fills on my meds. I go to a free clinic because I have no insurance since I lost my husband. I work but still can not afford to pay for insurance. Any way, I got quite the shock. I was told I have diabetes. They gave me some info to read and told me to go to a class. Have a nice day. Now what do I do? A dear friend who's husband has diabetes had a new monitor he wasn't using and gave that to me. But I can't afford the test strips and I have know idea what the reading are suppose to be. In the county I live in there isn't to much help for the uninsured. I guess this will be a motivator to lose some weight. I asked about some help with my knees and was told there is nothing they can do. They can't even write a script for pain meds. It's so much fun getting old.
I was in a pretty bad mood yesterday because of this news. Stephanie was trying to tell me all the things I needed to know. And that changing my diet was a good thing and she would help me. I did inform her that I hated the changes I have to make and I was going to feel sorry for myself for the rest of the evening. I felt I was entitled to a 24 hr. pity party. She said FINE but I had better lose it by morning. I did.
Today I have been trying to find some answers to all of my questions. It's a slow process. Hopefully after my class I will have more answers and more understanding. But why now, just before the holidays!

Nov. 25, 2009

It's been a rough week. I have been so depressed, I just didn't want to think about Thanksgiving, the holidays or even everyday life. All the stress and hurt feeling that always seem to happen. But last night I started feeling better. I cooked the gizzards and started getting things around for the pies. Then I fixed my chair. I was actually happy when I went to bed.

This morning when I got to Steps house she gave me this paper that one of the kids had written. It was titled "WHAT I'M THANK FULL FOR", and it was all about me. I have to admit that I lost it when I read how much it meant when I wrapped my soft arms around him and hugged him. It was written by my Richie. I'm going to have it framed. You see what I mean about family. They make it all better. I can't imagine not being close to my kids and grand kids. Being able to see them when ever I want to. Even though I know I might not be able to someday.

Now I'm sitting at work and I swear that I can smell the turkey cooking. I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are having a turkey contest & stuffing contest. We have 2, that's right 2 turkeys totally 29# of turkey meat for 11 people,(5 being children) to eat. 1 is going on the grill and 1 is going in the roaster. We will see who will win the contest. This should be sooo good. I will let you know who wins.
I'm not sure if we are going shopping on Friday. I know Amanda doesn't want to get up that early. I will let you know if we go and what kind of deals we get.

So have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Nov. 22, 2009

It's Sunday morning and it's so foggy out. It's suppose to be a nice day today. The kids got a lot of my leaves done yesterday, and it's looking better. I feel so exhausted, like I haven't even been to bed yet. When I go to the doctor on the 1st I'm going to ask him for some medication. I think I need some again. The only way to explain my feelings is to say..I feel like I did 2 yrs. ago. I have lost all my parents, aunts & uncles, but I didn't feel this way after two years. For the last six months I felt like I have been making progress in moving on, but now I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I know I need some extra help. It might help if my knees didn't hurt so bad. I wish I had insurance so I could get some help for them. Brad died..lost insurance. Make to much to get help, but not enough to pay for my own. What can I say? LIfe sucks.
So today I'm going to do my dishes and clean out the fridge. This afternoon I'm going to a family gathering to visit some of my cousins. That should be fun. I'm back to taking in one minute at a time.

Nov. 21, 2009 PM

I didn't get anything done today except grocery shopping. Instead I spent time with both my girls and their families. I went and had lunch with Step and then Amanda called and she was at my house, they where doing my leaves. So I got to send time with them. We went to the store and Mo rode the amigo with me. She would push the buttons(of course faster is always better) and I would steer. It got interesting at times. She is quite the little helper. So my day was distracted and now I'm sitting here with a Christmas movie playing in the back ground and feeling depressed again. I had another good cry after they left and it feels like I'm not done yet. I'm so afraid of what this new year will bring. The changes that it will come to my family. I'm afraid of what will happen to us. And I'm selfish enough not to what some things to change. I'm afraid I won't see my grandchildren as much as I want. I'm afraid that I will become a burden for my children. I'm afraid of being alone. I wish I could do more for myself. I have to try and get healthier so I can take better care of myself, so the kids won't have to do so much for me. I just wish I could stop crying today. I just wish.............

Nov. 21, 2009

I had a good night last night...So why did I wake up feeling like this? I'm so depressed. I was watching the news and eating my toast when I just started to cry. Now I can't seem to stop. What brought this on...I wish I knew. All I want to do is go back to bed. But I have to work in the house, start cleaning out the living room, do the grocery shopping, and there is always laundry. I just feel so defeated and over whelmed, and I haven't even started. God help me, please. I sit here looking out the window and see nothing but more work, it's just to much. I don't want to do this any more, I really don't. Damn it, it's just not fair, it's just not fair.

Nov. 19, 2009

Last night I went over and helped my grandson do some of his home work. Boy, he really likes math and then we practiced reading. His dad showed me a story that he wrote. It was about visiting Grandma's, and how we ate popcorn, played games, watched movies and told ghost stories. He is doing so good (I just don't remember telling ghost stories). Well this morning when I went over to get them off to school, the same grandson was having a real bad day. He had NO clothes to wear (none that he wanted to wear). After a small melt down, as he stood in the kitchen crying, I asked him if he needed a hug. He shook his head and ran over, wrapped his arms around me and said I'm having a bad day. All I could do was smile and agree. But he was all smiles when he got on the bus. It's these little day to day things that keeps me going.
I just wish things at work were going better. It's been a very rough week. Hopefully next week will be better...Nope, because it looks like for the first time in 6 yrs. I will have to work the day after and not get my long weekend. No one else can work so it's between me and the owner, he offered, but would make a real mess, so you know what that means. I'm really not happy about it. But wait until christmas, I still have 1 more vacation day left and I'm going to use it. NO MATTER WHAT!
I think I had better change the subject because I'm getting angry all over again.

Nov. 17, 2009

Today is better and a dear friend brought me beautiful bouquet of flowers. Nothing has changed, but it's not getting to me today. I was writing up a contract when I realized that a month from today would be my 38th wedding anniversary. I know it will most likely bother me, so I'm trying to come up with something to do on that day. Sort of a celebration even though Brad is gone, I'm not. That day is still so special. So I will have to think long and hard on what it will be. I will keep you posted on my choices.

I was talking to my kids yesterday, and one daughter was having just as bad of day as I was. It was in between the tears that it hit me, just as I worry about them, they worry about me. And as I wish that they would help me get some things finished, they feel guilty because they haven't got them finished. Both my daughters have young families, and so much going on. I never realized that they felt guilty about me.

So to my daughters and their families. I'm so very grateful for everything you have done for me. Your continued support and help. Sometimes I forget that you are also suffering and trying to cope with your loss as well. So to you I'm saying Thank You. You make my life easier with all of your help. I'm not sure what I would do with out you both. I'm so proud of you, and proud to call you family.

As for everything else in my life, well, we will still take it one day at a time.

Nov. 16, 2009

My momma taught me that if you can't say any thing nice, then don't say anything at all. I'm going to go and have a tall glass of coke with ice, put my feet up and keep my frig en mouth shut. Tomorrow will be another day and it's got to be a whole lot better then today. Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

Nov. 15, 2009

I went away this weekend and I think it did me a lot of good. Plenty of sunshine and water. I went to a water park with Step and her kids. So no heavy thinking, no chores, just relaxing. Something that I haven't done in a very long time. Was not depressed when I got home. Didn't do much either. Just a load of laundry and fixed some supper. I'm very tired but feel good. I think I need to play more. Hopefully this will stay with me for awhile so I might feel like doing something in the house.

Nov. 13, 2009

I'm feeling pretty good today. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Last night when I got home and stated to relax, I looked around (not a pretty sight). I have lost all interest in the house and I found myself get depressed. I realised that I have been feeling this way for sometime. But only when I'm home. I don't want to do house work, I don't want to pick up, nothing. I have to go back to the Dr. on Dec. 1 for my re-fills. I'm going to talk to him about it. When Brad first passed away. I wanted to stay home because I felt him there. All the memories, all his things. I have been slowing going through his belongings thinking that would help. Now I hate to be there because of all the memories, etc. I wish the market was better so I could just sell it and move to a new home. But that isn't happening right now. And I still have to go though everything. I'm just don't know what I want to do with all of his things, keep them, give them away or just donate them. I know I want to keep some things, and give some to the kids and grand kids. But how much and what. It's just to much.

I think I might go away this weekend. Hopefully that will help clear my head (doubtful or maybe a fairy godmother with a magic ward will have it all done when I get back).

Nov. 12, 2009 pm

This afternoon was nice. We went to the cemetery, I got a little emotional, I guess that is to be expected. Then we went and had lunch. Went to the grocery store then home for a little while. I went back into town to pick up my granddaughter from dance. Then I watched a wonderful movie called earth. Now I'm just watching TV. Everything is so normal, life just goes on. And yet I feel so guilty that it is normal. I know that Brad would not want me to, but I do. Especially on days like this, that should be all about Brad and his memory. It's hard to put into words. Why doesn't life come with a manual.

Nov. 12, 2009

I thought last night would be better then it was. I woke up so tired and sore. I must have been dreaming a lot and sleeping in the wrong position. And it was so cold this morning. Sure made the old bones ache. I'm going to go to the cemetery with my daughter today and then do lunch. Can't say how I'm feeling, it goes from being OK to being kind of numb. I'm worried about my youngest daughter and her family. He is laid off from work. And is only getting unemployment for 7 weeks. They are thinking that they might have to go else where for work. I understand, but it will be so hard. I can't even think about that right now. Of not being able to see her and the kids. I have to put that out of my mind for right now. Like she said, they are not going right now. I just wish that the economic situation would turn around, and soon. It's rough all over but Michigan is by far the worst. So much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to be sad about. If we could only turn the clock back a few years, when everything seemed better. At least I would have someone to share all these problems with. I wouldn't have to carry them by myself.

Nov. 11, 2009 pm

The day sure ending much better then it started. Thanks to so many friends and family members. I can't begin to put into words how they make me feel and they are always there for me. About mid-afternoon things started to change. I was looking forward to seeing my sister. It's been way to long since we have seen each other. We talk regularly, but that isn't the same. Then we met up with our cousin and had a nice visit with her. I have to get out more, it really does help. I can't thank them enough. We have started to make plans to for the three of us to do it again and soon. I can wait. Tomorrow I'm taking 1/2 day off work, go to the cemetery and then lunch with my kids and grand kids. I'm sure there will be tears and laughter, and then we will move on again. I think I can go to bed with out crying tonight.

NOV. 11, 2009

I'm not sure what to write today. I know that tomorrow is the official day that I Brad died. But I really lost him on the 11th. That is the day it happened, that is the day I can't forget. I just don't know what else to say. It's not fair, the sun is shinning the air was frosty and cold this morning and now its warming up nicely. It seems so normal, it just don't feel right, it's not right. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in, like it's movie I'm watching. That none of this is real, and if that is the case why does it hurt so much. Damn I wish I had the some answers. I'm going to have dinner with my sister tonight. She is coming up to spend a couple of hours with me. My kids tell me to just think about that and nothing else. I'm trying... I'm trying hard. Everyone should have a sister like mine. We are close, so close. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I did. We have so much fun together, we really do like each other, I mean it. If you could see some the silly things we have done and our families just smile and shake their heads. Everyone should be so lucky to this kind of relationship with their sibling. It's how families where meant to be. So I will just focus and tonight. It will have to be better then last night. Went to bed at 9:30 and cried myself to sleep...now I'm not going to start crying again..NO I'm not!!!! Stop it, take a deep breath, another one,....there that is better. Tonight...just think about tonight..ok...it's OK. It's OK.

NOV. 10, 2009

It's another day that is about all that can be said. The sky is a little cloudy but trying to clear up. It's suppose to be in the upper 50's. Not bad for this time of year. I hear it's going to start raining again. It's just like any other day. The alarm goes off, you get up, go to work and put in your time. Then you get to go home and sit. Can hardly wait. I feel like I could sleep the day away. Hopefully as the day passes it will get some what brighter.

History

I already started the Nov. 9 post when I thought that those of you who might read this would like some history.


I lost my husband of 36 years on Nov. 12, 2007 from a spontaneous brain bleed. It has caused my world to come to an end as I had known it. I started Blogging on Myspace to get some of my feelings out so I won't go crazy from the grieve. I found it helped and if you are reading this I hope though my pain and learning so will you.

We met when I was 17 and he was 19. We where married a year later. Six years later we had our 1st daughter and 9 yrs after that came our 2cd child. We fought and loved, we worked hard to keep us together. We grew together and fell more in love with time. We have had many friends but he was my best friend. He was quite, I wasn't. He was my calming influences. He made me laugh and I think that we brought the best out of each other (most of the time). As his brother has told me since his death, that all you had to do was watch Brad watch me and see the love in his eyes. That is was so obvious how he felt about me. No one has said anything more precious to me. And the day before he past, he was taking care of me because I was sick. I saw him out in the yard looking for something. When he came in I asked what he was doing. He told me he was looking for his wedding ring.. he had lost it the day before, moving the washing machine into the house. He thought it came off in the gloves he was wearing but it wasn't there. It was making him so upset that he lost it. I told him not to worry we would fine it later.....we never did.

As I was sitting in the hospital waiting for my youngest daughter to arrive from Tennessee, two of my dearest friends showed up. As they are holding me they tell me it will get better with a lot of time. They should know they have each losted their husbands. As we sit there my one friend mentions that it has been 6 yrs for her and 4 yrs for my other friend. That is when it hits us that our husbands (including 1 other friend that wasn't there) have all lost our husbands 2 yrs apart and in the same week in November. This is so unreal. 1 to cancer, 1 to a blockage, 1 to a heart attack, and now my husband. What are the odds....really!

When my daughter arrives we have a final goodbye and as we sit watching him leave us I looked around and saw my son in laws holding my daughters and it hits me. I have no one to hold me and to help me. I'm totally alone for the first time in my life, what am I going to do. The first few days and months are a blurr...the first year should be forgotten....the second year is getting better...slowly. With the help of my wonderful family and friends I'm making it. Some days better then others.

I have 2 daughters..my oldest is married with 3 children...1 girl & 2 boys. My youngest is also married with 2 children. 1 girl & 1 boy. She was 7 months pregnant when we lost her dad. She has honored his memory by naming her son after her father. He would have been so proud of him. Since his passing she has moved back to Michigan to be closer to her family.


We have always been a very close family..including the aunts, uncles & cousins.. as it should be. And this is how I'm making it.

Monday Nov. 9, 2009

It Monday morning...it would have been my moms birthday . She would have been 79 today. I lost her 10 years ago on my 46th birthday and 2 days after the birth of my 1st Granddaughter. I miss her and my dad so very much. Especially while I'm still trying to deal with losing my husband. I spent most of Sunday morning and again Sunday evening in tears. It's so hard to believe that it's going on two years this week. That day is still so vivid that is seems like yesterday and the pain is still so intense at times. My youngest daughter and her family came over yesterday for a while. The grand kids sure can take your mind off all the hurt. They are so young and happy. They are my youngest grandchildren of the 5. Mo my granddaughter is 4 and Bradley (named after my husband) is almost 2. To watch them playing out in the sunshine made everything all right.

But when night closes in and you are sitting alone in the house, all the longing and the loneliness comes back ten fold.

But the sun is shining again today and I'm at work. So I know that the next 9 hrs will be OK. My friends will make me laugh, my customers will make me forget (for now), and that is all I can ask for. And tonight I get my hair cut and colored, and that always make a women feel better.