Nov. 25, 2009

It's been a rough week. I have been so depressed, I just didn't want to think about Thanksgiving, the holidays or even everyday life. All the stress and hurt feeling that always seem to happen. But last night I started feeling better. I cooked the gizzards and started getting things around for the pies. Then I fixed my chair. I was actually happy when I went to bed.

This morning when I got to Steps house she gave me this paper that one of the kids had written. It was titled "WHAT I'M THANK FULL FOR", and it was all about me. I have to admit that I lost it when I read how much it meant when I wrapped my soft arms around him and hugged him. It was written by my Richie. I'm going to have it framed. You see what I mean about family. They make it all better. I can't imagine not being close to my kids and grand kids. Being able to see them when ever I want to. Even though I know I might not be able to someday.

Now I'm sitting at work and I swear that I can smell the turkey cooking. I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are having a turkey contest & stuffing contest. We have 2, that's right 2 turkeys totally 29# of turkey meat for 11 people,(5 being children) to eat. 1 is going on the grill and 1 is going in the roaster. We will see who will win the contest. This should be sooo good. I will let you know who wins.
I'm not sure if we are going shopping on Friday. I know Amanda doesn't want to get up that early. I will let you know if we go and what kind of deals we get.

So have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Nov. 22, 2009

It's Sunday morning and it's so foggy out. It's suppose to be a nice day today. The kids got a lot of my leaves done yesterday, and it's looking better. I feel so exhausted, like I haven't even been to bed yet. When I go to the doctor on the 1st I'm going to ask him for some medication. I think I need some again. The only way to explain my feelings is to say..I feel like I did 2 yrs. ago. I have lost all my parents, aunts & uncles, but I didn't feel this way after two years. For the last six months I felt like I have been making progress in moving on, but now I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I know I need some extra help. It might help if my knees didn't hurt so bad. I wish I had insurance so I could get some help for them. Brad died..lost insurance. Make to much to get help, but not enough to pay for my own. What can I say? LIfe sucks.
So today I'm going to do my dishes and clean out the fridge. This afternoon I'm going to a family gathering to visit some of my cousins. That should be fun. I'm back to taking in one minute at a time.

Nov. 21, 2009 PM

I didn't get anything done today except grocery shopping. Instead I spent time with both my girls and their families. I went and had lunch with Step and then Amanda called and she was at my house, they where doing my leaves. So I got to send time with them. We went to the store and Mo rode the amigo with me. She would push the buttons(of course faster is always better) and I would steer. It got interesting at times. She is quite the little helper. So my day was distracted and now I'm sitting here with a Christmas movie playing in the back ground and feeling depressed again. I had another good cry after they left and it feels like I'm not done yet. I'm so afraid of what this new year will bring. The changes that it will come to my family. I'm afraid of what will happen to us. And I'm selfish enough not to what some things to change. I'm afraid I won't see my grandchildren as much as I want. I'm afraid that I will become a burden for my children. I'm afraid of being alone. I wish I could do more for myself. I have to try and get healthier so I can take better care of myself, so the kids won't have to do so much for me. I just wish I could stop crying today. I just wish.............

Nov. 21, 2009

I had a good night last night...So why did I wake up feeling like this? I'm so depressed. I was watching the news and eating my toast when I just started to cry. Now I can't seem to stop. What brought this on...I wish I knew. All I want to do is go back to bed. But I have to work in the house, start cleaning out the living room, do the grocery shopping, and there is always laundry. I just feel so defeated and over whelmed, and I haven't even started. God help me, please. I sit here looking out the window and see nothing but more work, it's just to much. I don't want to do this any more, I really don't. Damn it, it's just not fair, it's just not fair.

Nov. 19, 2009

Last night I went over and helped my grandson do some of his home work. Boy, he really likes math and then we practiced reading. His dad showed me a story that he wrote. It was about visiting Grandma's, and how we ate popcorn, played games, watched movies and told ghost stories. He is doing so good (I just don't remember telling ghost stories). Well this morning when I went over to get them off to school, the same grandson was having a real bad day. He had NO clothes to wear (none that he wanted to wear). After a small melt down, as he stood in the kitchen crying, I asked him if he needed a hug. He shook his head and ran over, wrapped his arms around me and said I'm having a bad day. All I could do was smile and agree. But he was all smiles when he got on the bus. It's these little day to day things that keeps me going.
I just wish things at work were going better. It's been a very rough week. Hopefully next week will be better...Nope, because it looks like for the first time in 6 yrs. I will have to work the day after and not get my long weekend. No one else can work so it's between me and the owner, he offered, but would make a real mess, so you know what that means. I'm really not happy about it. But wait until christmas, I still have 1 more vacation day left and I'm going to use it. NO MATTER WHAT!
I think I had better change the subject because I'm getting angry all over again.

Nov. 17, 2009

Today is better and a dear friend brought me beautiful bouquet of flowers. Nothing has changed, but it's not getting to me today. I was writing up a contract when I realized that a month from today would be my 38th wedding anniversary. I know it will most likely bother me, so I'm trying to come up with something to do on that day. Sort of a celebration even though Brad is gone, I'm not. That day is still so special. So I will have to think long and hard on what it will be. I will keep you posted on my choices.

I was talking to my kids yesterday, and one daughter was having just as bad of day as I was. It was in between the tears that it hit me, just as I worry about them, they worry about me. And as I wish that they would help me get some things finished, they feel guilty because they haven't got them finished. Both my daughters have young families, and so much going on. I never realized that they felt guilty about me.

So to my daughters and their families. I'm so very grateful for everything you have done for me. Your continued support and help. Sometimes I forget that you are also suffering and trying to cope with your loss as well. So to you I'm saying Thank You. You make my life easier with all of your help. I'm not sure what I would do with out you both. I'm so proud of you, and proud to call you family.

As for everything else in my life, well, we will still take it one day at a time.

Nov. 16, 2009

My momma taught me that if you can't say any thing nice, then don't say anything at all. I'm going to go and have a tall glass of coke with ice, put my feet up and keep my frig en mouth shut. Tomorrow will be another day and it's got to be a whole lot better then today. Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

Nov. 15, 2009

I went away this weekend and I think it did me a lot of good. Plenty of sunshine and water. I went to a water park with Step and her kids. So no heavy thinking, no chores, just relaxing. Something that I haven't done in a very long time. Was not depressed when I got home. Didn't do much either. Just a load of laundry and fixed some supper. I'm very tired but feel good. I think I need to play more. Hopefully this will stay with me for awhile so I might feel like doing something in the house.

Nov. 13, 2009

I'm feeling pretty good today. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Last night when I got home and stated to relax, I looked around (not a pretty sight). I have lost all interest in the house and I found myself get depressed. I realised that I have been feeling this way for sometime. But only when I'm home. I don't want to do house work, I don't want to pick up, nothing. I have to go back to the Dr. on Dec. 1 for my re-fills. I'm going to talk to him about it. When Brad first passed away. I wanted to stay home because I felt him there. All the memories, all his things. I have been slowing going through his belongings thinking that would help. Now I hate to be there because of all the memories, etc. I wish the market was better so I could just sell it and move to a new home. But that isn't happening right now. And I still have to go though everything. I'm just don't know what I want to do with all of his things, keep them, give them away or just donate them. I know I want to keep some things, and give some to the kids and grand kids. But how much and what. It's just to much.

I think I might go away this weekend. Hopefully that will help clear my head (doubtful or maybe a fairy godmother with a magic ward will have it all done when I get back).

Nov. 12, 2009 pm

This afternoon was nice. We went to the cemetery, I got a little emotional, I guess that is to be expected. Then we went and had lunch. Went to the grocery store then home for a little while. I went back into town to pick up my granddaughter from dance. Then I watched a wonderful movie called earth. Now I'm just watching TV. Everything is so normal, life just goes on. And yet I feel so guilty that it is normal. I know that Brad would not want me to, but I do. Especially on days like this, that should be all about Brad and his memory. It's hard to put into words. Why doesn't life come with a manual.

Nov. 12, 2009

I thought last night would be better then it was. I woke up so tired and sore. I must have been dreaming a lot and sleeping in the wrong position. And it was so cold this morning. Sure made the old bones ache. I'm going to go to the cemetery with my daughter today and then do lunch. Can't say how I'm feeling, it goes from being OK to being kind of numb. I'm worried about my youngest daughter and her family. He is laid off from work. And is only getting unemployment for 7 weeks. They are thinking that they might have to go else where for work. I understand, but it will be so hard. I can't even think about that right now. Of not being able to see her and the kids. I have to put that out of my mind for right now. Like she said, they are not going right now. I just wish that the economic situation would turn around, and soon. It's rough all over but Michigan is by far the worst. So much to think about, so much to worry about, so much to be sad about. If we could only turn the clock back a few years, when everything seemed better. At least I would have someone to share all these problems with. I wouldn't have to carry them by myself.

Nov. 11, 2009 pm

The day sure ending much better then it started. Thanks to so many friends and family members. I can't begin to put into words how they make me feel and they are always there for me. About mid-afternoon things started to change. I was looking forward to seeing my sister. It's been way to long since we have seen each other. We talk regularly, but that isn't the same. Then we met up with our cousin and had a nice visit with her. I have to get out more, it really does help. I can't thank them enough. We have started to make plans to for the three of us to do it again and soon. I can wait. Tomorrow I'm taking 1/2 day off work, go to the cemetery and then lunch with my kids and grand kids. I'm sure there will be tears and laughter, and then we will move on again. I think I can go to bed with out crying tonight.

NOV. 11, 2009

I'm not sure what to write today. I know that tomorrow is the official day that I Brad died. But I really lost him on the 11th. That is the day it happened, that is the day I can't forget. I just don't know what else to say. It's not fair, the sun is shinning the air was frosty and cold this morning and now its warming up nicely. It seems so normal, it just don't feel right, it's not right. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in, like it's movie I'm watching. That none of this is real, and if that is the case why does it hurt so much. Damn I wish I had the some answers. I'm going to have dinner with my sister tonight. She is coming up to spend a couple of hours with me. My kids tell me to just think about that and nothing else. I'm trying... I'm trying hard. Everyone should have a sister like mine. We are close, so close. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I did. We have so much fun together, we really do like each other, I mean it. If you could see some the silly things we have done and our families just smile and shake their heads. Everyone should be so lucky to this kind of relationship with their sibling. It's how families where meant to be. So I will just focus and tonight. It will have to be better then last night. Went to bed at 9:30 and cried myself to sleep...now I'm not going to start crying again..NO I'm not!!!! Stop it, take a deep breath, another one,....there that is better. Tonight...just think about tonight..ok...it's OK. It's OK.

NOV. 10, 2009

It's another day that is about all that can be said. The sky is a little cloudy but trying to clear up. It's suppose to be in the upper 50's. Not bad for this time of year. I hear it's going to start raining again. It's just like any other day. The alarm goes off, you get up, go to work and put in your time. Then you get to go home and sit. Can hardly wait. I feel like I could sleep the day away. Hopefully as the day passes it will get some what brighter.

History

I already started the Nov. 9 post when I thought that those of you who might read this would like some history.


I lost my husband of 36 years on Nov. 12, 2007 from a spontaneous brain bleed. It has caused my world to come to an end as I had known it. I started Blogging on Myspace to get some of my feelings out so I won't go crazy from the grieve. I found it helped and if you are reading this I hope though my pain and learning so will you.

We met when I was 17 and he was 19. We where married a year later. Six years later we had our 1st daughter and 9 yrs after that came our 2cd child. We fought and loved, we worked hard to keep us together. We grew together and fell more in love with time. We have had many friends but he was my best friend. He was quite, I wasn't. He was my calming influences. He made me laugh and I think that we brought the best out of each other (most of the time). As his brother has told me since his death, that all you had to do was watch Brad watch me and see the love in his eyes. That is was so obvious how he felt about me. No one has said anything more precious to me. And the day before he past, he was taking care of me because I was sick. I saw him out in the yard looking for something. When he came in I asked what he was doing. He told me he was looking for his wedding ring.. he had lost it the day before, moving the washing machine into the house. He thought it came off in the gloves he was wearing but it wasn't there. It was making him so upset that he lost it. I told him not to worry we would fine it later.....we never did.

As I was sitting in the hospital waiting for my youngest daughter to arrive from Tennessee, two of my dearest friends showed up. As they are holding me they tell me it will get better with a lot of time. They should know they have each losted their husbands. As we sit there my one friend mentions that it has been 6 yrs for her and 4 yrs for my other friend. That is when it hits us that our husbands (including 1 other friend that wasn't there) have all lost our husbands 2 yrs apart and in the same week in November. This is so unreal. 1 to cancer, 1 to a blockage, 1 to a heart attack, and now my husband. What are the odds....really!

When my daughter arrives we have a final goodbye and as we sit watching him leave us I looked around and saw my son in laws holding my daughters and it hits me. I have no one to hold me and to help me. I'm totally alone for the first time in my life, what am I going to do. The first few days and months are a blurr...the first year should be forgotten....the second year is getting better...slowly. With the help of my wonderful family and friends I'm making it. Some days better then others.

I have 2 daughters..my oldest is married with 3 children...1 girl & 2 boys. My youngest is also married with 2 children. 1 girl & 1 boy. She was 7 months pregnant when we lost her dad. She has honored his memory by naming her son after her father. He would have been so proud of him. Since his passing she has moved back to Michigan to be closer to her family.


We have always been a very close family..including the aunts, uncles & cousins.. as it should be. And this is how I'm making it.

Monday Nov. 9, 2009

It Monday morning...it would have been my moms birthday . She would have been 79 today. I lost her 10 years ago on my 46th birthday and 2 days after the birth of my 1st Granddaughter. I miss her and my dad so very much. Especially while I'm still trying to deal with losing my husband. I spent most of Sunday morning and again Sunday evening in tears. It's so hard to believe that it's going on two years this week. That day is still so vivid that is seems like yesterday and the pain is still so intense at times. My youngest daughter and her family came over yesterday for a while. The grand kids sure can take your mind off all the hurt. They are so young and happy. They are my youngest grandchildren of the 5. Mo my granddaughter is 4 and Bradley (named after my husband) is almost 2. To watch them playing out in the sunshine made everything all right.

But when night closes in and you are sitting alone in the house, all the longing and the loneliness comes back ten fold.

But the sun is shining again today and I'm at work. So I know that the next 9 hrs will be OK. My friends will make me laugh, my customers will make me forget (for now), and that is all I can ask for. And tonight I get my hair cut and colored, and that always make a women feel better.